Wow, that was something of an achievement -- not only one of the best episodes of the series, and by far the most successful finale -- but I think what truly made it great was the sound across America of fangirls' heads exploding again, and again, and again. So awesome! Not a sacred cow, from fake rape outrage to Jenny's v-card, goes unmolested. It's magnificent, high romance across the entire spectrum -- from Chekov to Austen to Thackeray -- while still remaining perfectly clever and balanced, with the fresh perspective and dynamic reassessment the show has desperately needed.
Plus all night you got Georgina haunting the edges of their lives like Catherine Earnshaw, barely visible and completely scorned, having finally won her way back from Belarus in a blonde wig and giant fur coat.
Okay, so Blair ditches Cameron but then misses the Empire State meet-up by a second anyway, because Dorota has gone into labor. The entire cast somehow hoofs it over to the hospital, because once again they're supposed to give a shit about Dorota. Godparents Cyrus and Eleanor get all kinds of obsessed with the baby, which rightfully and hilariously terrifies Dorota and the other one.
Dan and Serena get their asses pretty much dumped by Vanessa and Nate after Jenny GG's a picture of them sleeping it off (they only kissed, making the whole situation precisely the same as the Santorini Situation, right down to the ways and reasons S lies about it to Nate) -- and even when Nate takes her back, S decides she wants to explore life on her own.
Meanwhile, Jenny's entire life is crashing down, between her antics last week and the GG blast. Eric tells Rufus and Lily to send "her crazy ass" to Hudson; Blair drops by the loft to threaten her; Dan and Nate are exhausted by her, and as Rufus finalizes plans to send her to her Mom's for the next year, she wanders the UES, finally ending up in... Chuck's bed.
It's perhaps the most finely tuned, epic set-piece the show has ever attempted, managing to one-up even classics like Blair's burlesque or Serena's Times Square kiss or art gallery snowfall: Nihilistic, fucked up, scary and incredibly warped. In other words, exactly where Jenny's at. Just brilliant, in both scale and execution. So of course Blair shows up, and tearfully reunites with Chuck, and Jenny sneaks back to the hospital, looking absolutely suicidal to the point where she scares the shit out of Eric, who sends Dan in to save her.
Chuck appears, ready to propose marriage to Blair in an effort to spend the rest of his life redeeming himself with her. Of course, having heard about Jenny, Dan appears and punches him out, resulting in a totally classic freakout on Blair's part -- the second-best scene of the night -- including like a death curse on Jenny, who is now officially ready to get the fuck out of town. Where she, and Vanessa, will remain for at least the beginning of next season.
For the summer: Blair takes Serena on a summer tour of Paris, while Dan momentarily thinks about making a huge play for S once again -- but gets shocked out of it by Georgina's total pregnancy, which she claims is his. Nate is busily becoming the new Chuck, taking on champagne and prostitutes two at a time. And Chuck himself? He's in Prague's red light district, shot and bleeding out in an alley after a robbery gone wrong.
Well done, Gossip Girl. I was starting to think you just didn't have it in you. XOXO, forever.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
"You reap what you sow -- what goes around, comes around. No matter how far you run, you can never truly escape. Everything catches up to you in the end, and when it does? It usually kicks your ass." This -- wherein we revisit the same exact idea not once but five times, including twice in the last single thought -- from the girl who managed to write EMPIRE STATE BUILDING OF MIND on the opening-credits blog post card that opens every episode. We willingly put ourselves in her hands, the girl who wrote without irony EMPIRE STATE BUILDING OF MIND. It's that concrete jungle where dreams are made of: She is merely its chronicler.
What is happening while GG is issuing these wise thoughts is that Georgina Sparks, in a big blonde wig and strange furs, is getting snapped very obviously by a wannabe in the train station. Not that it really comes to bear on the episode -- it's nipped by a tossed-off line in a later act -- but in terms of bookending the pilot, as so much of this episode does, it's pretty hilarious. Georgina in Serena drag is sort of how we got here, although we didn't know that at the time, and crazy-ass Jenny will leave from here in a week.
Lily, parenting guru and all-around feelings understander, lectures sad puppy Rufus about how teenage girls are a nightmare, because they realize their immense power over you, which lies in your unconditional love. So essentially I guess the point is to "close your heart," as noted gaywads Chuck and Blair would say, or simply wait until Jenny stops being an asshole, which Lily thinks is around college graduation. Or, in Serena's case, not-college not-graduation. Like Serena is done being an asshole! She's only resting.
Rufus has sent her to DUMBO so he can think! Lily says that grounding doesn't work, but I think what doesn't work w/r/t grounding is that Rufus has never actually successfully grounded Jenny. Not once has she stayed grounded for more than five minutes. "Short of sending her away," Rufus can't think of anything that would help. That is a very Rhodes Women plan: Can't manage to actually communicate with or appeal to your daughter's valid concerns? Send that shit upstate! Eric agrees, appearing out of nowhere to explain that he doesn't need Jenny's "crazy ass" around any more than they do, and hopes only that they'll send her away sooner rather than later, before she strikes again.
But unbeknownst to her woeful family, Jenny is not in DUMBO, she is sitting in Nate's bed wearing Nate's clothes staring down at Nate watching him sleep. Because she is a creep. He wakes up and they act all chummy and brother-sister some more, like always, and like always Nate is out of the blue like, "I just want to be clear: We are not boyfriend and girlfriend." As simplistic as it makes Nate sound, it is true that Jenny should be reminded of basic things if they happen to conflict with her agenda, which is being super crazy all of the time. Jenny rolls her eyes and accedes, then immediately turns around and minimizes their relationship and gets him talking about how much of an asshole Serena is. Good work! He's like, "She's mad, but she'll cool off." If you can just wait until they reboot, Nate and Serena are the perfect mate because "forgive" and "forget" are just two words for the same thing: Goldfish brain.
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