Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Jenny, King Of The Pirates

I don't even know what to say about that. I think I love it very, very much. If you were playing Dan's earlier baby game, I would say that a Dan/Georgina baby would be just about the perfect baby. It would be adorable, and small in stature. Cheekbones to die for. A brilliant, vicious mind, but with an open heart and a capacity for spirituality unheard of on this show. It would make great crazy schemes, but then feel bad about them. It would be kind of like Vanessa, if Vanessa were cool and not a total drag. A little nutty Suzuki Beane of our very own. You can hold it if you want, but don't get your fingers near its mouth.

Alternately, of course, it's more likely that this is not a baby but some kind of massive scheme. She could have C-4 in there, or a roulette table. Who knows, when it's Georgie? Maybe it is Pilot Inspektor's baby. Definitely it has dark powers. Maybe she switched babies with Dorota, and Dorota will end up getting decapitated by a plate-glass window when she pisses off the baby she thinks is her own. Forced to jump off a window ledge for failing to secure the perfect pony for its fifth birthday. That would be so Dorota.

Chuck wanders the Prague Red-Light District, being all dissolute and whatnot, and some Czech rough trade drag him into an alley for the rough-up. He tries to explain that he is totally rich -- "I'm Chuck Bass!" he shouts, weakly -- but soon enough they discover the ring, still in its velvet box. He begs them to give it back, promising all the money in the world, but he struggles too much, and they shoot him, and they leave him for dead.

All in all, a fine finale. Much better than the other two, which were strong on their own. Definitely one of the best episodes of the season, right up there with "The Freshmen" and alongside the greats of the series as a whole. And as much as I love the Brit Lit wonkery, tracing references, seeing what happens when you drop a Fitzgerald character into a Trollope farce or putting a punk princess into Bernard Shaw period pieces, I think what I love the most about it is the mission statement feel: This is what the show is like, from now on. This is how the game will be played next year. Doesn't it feel that way to you? This season has sort of lacked a perspective, compared to the others.

When you think back to the classic, magical appeal of the first season -- the world they lived in, where you could just toss a cell phone in the garbage if you were angry, or put on a mask and suddenly know all the steps to a complex group dance number -- or the cold, technological light of Season Two -- where everybody was keeping tabs on everybody else and spilling secrets at a prodigious rate -- you can see how we got here. It was very sudsy, which is much more respectable if you keep in mind who was doing what, which is why I keep bringing this up.

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Gossip Girl

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