Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Jenny, King Of The Pirates

Luckily, Chuck comes in with breakfast on a tray, calls them "sunshines," and generally behaves all gay and nuts. He sort of growls half-heartedly at Jenny, but mentions that -- as usual, one assumes -- he was listening to Nate sleeping, and thus knew they were up to no no-good. Jenny runs away, and Chuck gives Nate a speech about how his relationship with Serena is in trouble, and Jenny is exactly the kind of complicated motherfucker who might just push them over the edge. He says this like it's a scary possibility, and not a cold dead certainty. Then he pets Nate's hair and tickles his chin until he opens his mouth to giggle, then pops a Flintstones vitamin in there. Nate swears that Dino and Barney taste better than the other ones, without regard to color. This is one of Chuck's favorite things.

Hey it's time for everybody's favorite episodic situation comedy, That's So Dorota!, starring racism. Dorota is pregnant, so Eleanor bitches at her that if she can't perform her maidly duties, she'll have to hire a maid to maid their maid! That's So Dorota! Blair just wants to go on her date with poor old Cute Columbia Cameron and avoid the Empire State Building, where true love waits, but Dorota knows better. Broken English is always, always a sign that you're dealing with the pure of heart. Like with the mentally retarded, there's this trade-off where they just see certain things more clearly. Matters of the heart, and such.

A very herky-jerky screamy amazing Blair hollers she doesn't love anything except "shoes, clothes, and anything Harry Winston." Remember that Winston campaign where they had the giant ravens? That was so freaking awesome. Anyway, as punishment for sticking her pert little nose in where it doesn't belong, Dorota -- who is about seventeen months pregnant, which is just So Dorota -- will be chaperoning her date with Cameron, in order to keep her from going to the Empire State Building. ("But I already ironed your sheets and alphabetized shoes by designer, like you ask!" Dorota say, for funny! "Miss Blair, I defriend Mr. Chuck on Facebook, and in life!" Dorota say. Is So Dorota!) "If you let me go anywhere near 34th Street, there won't be a miracle but a massacre." God, if only.

Georgina Sparks appears in the Bass suite, getting all snappy with him about how nice the Empire is -- "For the Upper West Side" -- and saying she's not even angry about the time he and Blair got her kidnapped and sent to Belarus, because she's in real trouble this time. "The Russians don't mess around. It's really cold there, and there's, like, barely any designer jeans, and the average citizen drinks about thirty-eight pints of pure alcohol a year!" Russians got mad style, but the other things are true. Anyway, Chuck isn't having it even a little bit, so he tells her to leave or be thrown out. She goes. She is totally Catherine Earnshaw in this episode, just haunting everybody and acting weird all the time.

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Gossip Girl

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