Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Jenny, King Of The Pirates

Dan and Serena wake up in bed together, goddammit. Apparently, though, all they did was drink a bottle of wine and kiss for ten minutes, and the rest was just talking. Also, S fell asleep on his arm, but she's coyote pretty so he couldn't move it. Thus neither of them noted Jenny arriving, with her name scribbled on her coffee, to take a picture of them together and email it to GG. Why? Because she is a bitch, essentially, and because she will never give up trying to break them up, because without trying to suck Serena's entire life out through her eyeballs, what is she?

So those two crazy kids, they wake up thinking life is basically normal: They love Nate, and Dan loves Vanessa, and they decide to keep this non-event a secret. There's one gorgeous moment at the door where Serena literally goes, "Call me if you... Need anything?" like she can't figure out what you say in this circumstance, and it's brilliant, but then he accidentally kisses her near her mouth, and he starts stuttering, and it's all very troublesome. For once GG is completely cogent:

"Spotted: A family reunion only Faulkner would approve of. I used to think that S and Lonelyboy were the most boring couple on the Upper East Side. But what makes them actually great together? Is when they're supposed to be with other people."

Everybody gets the blast at once, and it's so great. S is now officially her mother. What Happened In DUMBO is the new What Happened In Santorini: "Yes, I did kiss my ex and lie about it in more and more Byzantine ways. But it's just because I didn't want to answer a bunch of dumb questions!" Blair and S conference about the blast, and B is only moderately grossed out by the hookup. "We all try on old clothes from time to time, and sure, we may even be surprised when they still fit, but that doesn't mean we should wear them again, ever!" S swears nothing happened, and points out that clearly Jenny did this, which is sort of awful just because of the Dan part of it. She mentions that Jenny's in Brooklyn at the moment, and a terrible, wonderful, scary, beautiful look of great Zen-like focus falls across B's face, and she turns that car the fuck around.

S and Dan talk more about how their kiss was super meaningless and shouldn't jeopardize their stuff, but you can tell it's something of a half-hearted game of chicken right now and they're still worried the other one might be the one that is having the feelings. This progression, the two of them in this episode, is actually very well done. This whole episode is very well done, as a matter of fact. Except for the music, which -- bar one exception -- the music sucks dong. It's all covers, but they're all bad covers of ridiculous cheesy songs not even your dad could love. Not sure what we're going for there, although the episode is such a remix mashup of tropes and memories and symbolism that it might have something to do with that. But instead of seeming like The O.C. S4, where it was awesome, here it's more like the zombie of music.

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Gossip Girl




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