Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Jenny, King Of The Pirates

It's that simple; it's always that simple. "If you want to leave, now would be the time." But neither of them wants to be alone. And honestly, what's to be afraid of? The whole point of Chuck is that he defines the absolute worst, scariest places your body can go. If you are Jenny, that's what he means. But the absolute worst, scariest places are where Jenny's trying to get. Honestly, if she's going to have any chance at all, they're the places she needs to go. Three years ago she made a deal with the devil, and realized almost too late that she was too young to make those kind of deals. And by hook and by crook she's been acquiring that social capital she wanted back then, when she thought they were only playing. And the joke is that it's just as empty now as it would have been back then: She has discovered the punchline, and it's her.

Dan is back on the kick of babies and staring at babies and loving the whole idea of babies. "Turns out I'm a big fan of babies," he helpfully explains. "Everything for them is so simple. They start out with a clean slate. They have no idea how complicated everything is gonna get for them." Serena joins him, pointing at one "smarter" baby who will always be an outsider with a chip on his shoulder. Dan returns the favor by pointing to a little girl who will have "Fabulous hair and a great smile, but her daddy issues are gonna make it real hard for her to trust people."

First of all, you are not playing this game right, Humphrey, because that was totally mean and shitty. What are you, some kind of Humphrey? And second of all, her daddy issues make her trust everybody. You've let her down about sixty times without trying, Carter Baizen, like, who even knows what he's up to most of the time, she screwed around with a married Congressman... The only person she doesn't trust is Nate, but that's only because he doesn't trust her, and the only reason he doesn't trust her is that she is fully untrustworthy. But instead of punching him in the nuts, she takes a little romantic walk with him, and Georgina appears from around the corner and stares down at one totally crazy baby and goes, "And this baby's gonna do some things to make all the other babies hate her!" Georgina, what are you talking about? Why so mysterious? Why is your coat so big? Why is your wig so big? Why are you in big trouble?

Godmother Eleanor scares the shit out of Dorota by attempting to eat the baby Anastasia, then saying she never wants to go back to Paris, because she loves the baby. Nobody even blinks about the fact that Eleanor already had a baby of her own, and broke it -- they just accept that Dorota raised Blair and that this is the first baby Eleanor has ever dealt with. Downstairs, Dan figures out that Nate at some point sent Vanessa the picture of them in bed together. In Haiti, there is no Gossip Girl, but there is Nate. In addition to asserting that their relationship was "so easy" because they didn't know each other as well as the NJBC, which: what show are you watching, they also agree that Nate is within his bitchy little rights to break up Dan and Vanessa after she's been gone for literally a day.

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Gossip Girl




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