Tell me the truth, does that Buffy joke in the headline make sense? It's just that I'm ever so proud of myself.
So, anyway, wasn't it you who was just saying earlier, "Gosh, should I listen to Frank Ocean's entire boring album tonight, or watch Gossip Girl?" Luckily for all of us, we didn't have to choose.
The Good: Everybody looked smashing. Lonelyboy and Blair in particular were literally breathtaking nearly the entire episode. And once Serena changed out of her strange umpire attire and braided her hair like a farmer, she was lookin' pretty good too. Georgina was her best self in ages, and Funny Blonde Minion was very, very funny this week. Love that girl.
The Bad: Sometimes it's hard to tell if Serena is acting fake, or acting fake. Tonight, she was "overjoyed" (and secretly conflicted?) to learn that Steven Spence was about to propose marriage, which came off as either a very layered approach to a simple if convoluted plot, or just poor direction on the part of Amy Heckerling. I want to say the former, because the latter involves dissing two of my biggest she-roes, but enough line readings were off throughout that I'm still undecided. Any case, it's rescued by the Serena-centric worries of everybody behind her back where they hope against hope that she is suddenly not Serena and thus not making the terrible decisions that she, of course, is totally making.
(Why, why, why when they list Serena's beaux do they never mention Tripp? Oh, sweet Tripp. What happened there? Didn't he try to throw Nate in the river or have him... Yeah, he tried to have Nate killed by that lovely Chef/Criminal, and that's why Blair lost her baby and her mind and two years of actually being a character on this show. Bad Tripp! Oh Tripp, you know I can't stay mad at you.)
The Outcome: As predicted, this episode was chock-full of scandal and twists and hurt feelings and major breakups and major makeups and major breakups that turned into makeups and makeups that turned into breakups and very little discussion of the Sudan Oil Embargo. Also as predicted, Georgina has been proudly masturbating herself senseless ever since she got ahold of the Serena/Dan sex tape last week.
Unnerved by the impending engagement, Sage relents and agrees to wear a Waldorf original for her coming out. And, thanks to Dan's input, it's quite a sexy number: Seems Blair has decided to lean into her new pigeonholing as agent provocouture. (Was that a pun GG would make? Was it loopy enough.) Of course, there are a million other schemes going on here, like, Dan and Georgina have about six going on, Blair changes course mid-scheme a few times, and Sage tries her best to live up to the "show, don't tell" way our series has decided to prove her scheminess.
Meanwhile, Chuck sends Ivy into PRADA for a truly ridiculous scheme I won't bore you with that very nearly drives the ever-elusive wedge between Lily and (money) Bart that Chuck thinks will be his salvation. And when she's not doing that, something about Rufus meeting up again with Bex to a romantic tootling tune that says we'll be seeing Miss Pixie Art Dealer again in the near future.
Also, Ivy has secret shitloads of Cece money from Lola, and after promising she won't hold her money over Rufus like Lily did, she immediately starts holding it over him like Lily did. At PRADA, Bart finally comes clean about the oil-for-horses deal and Lily literally shrugs one shoulder when he explains that he is a federal criminal. "Ah, fuck it," she says, deep into her gin.
After confirming the Powerful Woman/Bart Takedown plan for Chuck and Blair, Dan decides to release the Chuck Chapter of his serial, a shining tribute to Chuck's neverending battle with his leathery undead pops. Blair tries to derail the engagement, but at the last second pulls back and warns S, setting up a temporary détente between the OTP. But once Sage gets ahold of that Apartment sex tape and blasts it during her debut, Jenny Humphrey style, the fragile peace between Blair and both partners on the tape goes awry. So a brief flirtation with Blair and Dan's (and B and S's) lovely relationship is once again thrown to the tigers, Blair and Chuck stand around mooing about love for a bit, Steven/Sage dumps Serena/Nate maybe forever, and S ends up at a diner with Dan, where they while away the night pretending to eat food.
Next Week: Ivy makes her outsides look as crazy as her insides, taking a new and daring Roseanne Roseannadanna look to the streets. Everybody bids on art, putting Lily up against whatever is going on with Ivy and Rufus, presumably, up against Bex where he belongs. Eleanor comes home to save her company, and Chuck may or may not run up some stairs. Oh, and Serena's weird Vespa obsession crops up again, this time in front of a castle I think. All the easier for the wolves to get at Dan once and for all, I figure.
Serena's random stepmother story, every bit as weirdly old as Blair's two years of princessdom out of high school, chunders on unabated. We persist in understanding -- told but never shown, as it were -- that Sage Spence is an unholy admixture of both Serena and Blair; an It Girl who yet moves and shakes like a Powerful Woman, a blonde with brown hair. Superboy Prime for the CW set. Nate and Blair and Chuck continue to attempt to wrest their various companies away from their various parents, in an oddly mimeographic but also true-to-life fashion. Rufus and Ivy are now meth addicts living in DUMBO surrounded by personal effects, as Lily drinks her life away and the vile Bart Bass violates US trade embargos with relative abandon.
Will come and Cotillions will go, as GG reminds us: Women will always be for sale at their age of their majority, no matter who's the Speaker of the House. And so it goes. Blair ushers into her drawing room a Rumspringing, callow lass; a Sarah both Plain and Tall, with neck up to here and sleeves down to there. Imagine a nightgown for the Oldest Living Confederate Widow, and then increase its modesty perforce: This is the new Waldorf.
Blair: "Dan! Stop eating my food and wearing my dresses, and tell me what you think of this unbelievably dowdy dress!"
Dan: "It's weird because that dress is not for whores, and yet you are a whore."
Blair: "What would I do without men's opinions? Humphrey is correct, as usual. Let us skank this bitch up, immediately. I have already revised this fashion line countless times this season, ignoring all rules and likelihoods of fashion. What is one more?"
Georgina: "...Diiiiid somebody say skank?"
Blair: "I suppose we all must have our muses. Take it away, upstairs."
Dan: "You are even more of a stalker now than when you were my stalker."
Georgina: "I begin to worry that you will start acting like a normal human being who has feelings, decency, or respect for his loved ones."
Dan: "It is like you have never seen this show that we are on."
Serena: "Are the pancakes okay? I do so enjoy cooking and laboring, in our pretend world where that would ever happen."
Steven: "I prefer waffles."
Serena: "That gives me a boner and I don't know why."
Steven: "I guess we are in love, little child-woman. I guess we've finally broken through to that level in our relationship where we shrug and admit, bone-dry, that we are each the best the other can do. And settle in for the Long Wait."