Serena: "You betcha."
They hug and kiss and it's so stupid, because what?
Georgina: "I hope you're enjoying this Cotillion."
Dan: "Yeah, I'm the first person in human history to do that."
Georgina: "Well, sex tape at midnight. Just think about that."
Dan: "I'm just going to stall for no reason until then."
Steven: "Serena, thank goodness you're here. I can't wait to propose to you."
Serena: "Hang on, you need to explain this entire episode to me again."
Sage takes the stage, whipping off her coat to reveal a sexy dress by Waldorf Designs. Check. But then also, on the slide projector PowerPoint thing, suddenly there are Dan and Serena fucking. Everybody shits themselves, both in the Actual Cotillion and also in our corner.
Serena: "Steven, I may have left out this sex tape last week. Actually, there are a few sex tapes you should know about, now that I'm thinking about it..."
Steven: "Everybody breaks up in this episode, huh? Midway through the season, exactly, everybody breaks up. Well then I guess I better get my panties in a twist about this."
Serena: "Sage did this! You cannot let her sabotage our relationship!"
Steven: "Excuse me if I don't take parenting advice from a woman who recorded herself having sex with her ex to get revenge on her best friend!"
Serena: "Excused! Now get on your knee and propose, goddammit!"
Dan: "Blair, I'm so sorry that I fucked Serena one time after we broke up, sending her into a self-destructive slut spiral that meant she fucked C-level music celebs for coke and then died."
Blair: "That's okay, I'm still royally pissed at you for no good reason at all."
Dan: "[Long explanation of last season's finale and how he never does anything wrong and Serena is a whore and Chuck is a rapist and blah-blah.]"
Blair: "This is just like when Jennifer gave Chuck her virginity in a nihilistic nuclear detonation of her entire life! Except not like that in any way whatsoever."
Dan: "Well, I hope you enjoy dying alone. Because I am the only other option."
Blair: "If it's between that and you, I choose that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go carry Chuck around on my back like the worthless drudge I believe myself to be."
Georgina: "I know, I know. But what happened was, Sage stole my phone to use the sex tape to break up Serena and her dad."