Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
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Don't You Forget About Me

Chuck, feigning shock, is all, "Nathaniel! What happened with you and Punky Brewster?" Which is such an excellent comparison to make, because as we all know, Punky Brewster was found living on the streets when her mother abandoned her in a department store, which is exactly what I would do if Vanessa were my child, and as far as we know is what happened to Vanessa anyway. Unless he's talking about the cartoon, because now that you mention it Dan does bear a certain resemblance to a magical fuzzy leprechaun that tells you the moral of the story every eleven minutes even when you didn't ask and don't effing care.

Dan and Vanessa are getting magically atrocious in the gallery when Dan finally asks what "exactly" happened with "Man-Bangs," and does an awesome man-bangs spirit-fingers move when he says it, and Vanessa -- who is looking awesomely bohemian and very pretty right now -- admits that Nate's prettier than her, but that that wasn't the problem, and it wasn't "the whole perpetually stoned, brooding guy thing," and it wasn't his past with Serena, which is obviously only of interest to Dan in this whole world, and it wasn't "the different worlds thing, right, one of you always feeling like a fish out of water," and finally Vanessa -- and I mean, what an obnoxious string of suggestions, Humphrey -- puts her foot down. "I know exactly what you're doing. Ask me enough questions about Nate, and I won't ask you about Serena." Dan counter that the best offense is always a strong defense. If anybody would know about being offensive -- or defensive, actually, as well -- it's these two.

Vanessa's worry is equal to her loveliness as she watches Dan stammer out that he's not ready to talk about it yet. "Good. Then maybe it'll be quiet for thirty seconds." I'm SAYIN'! Dan immediately tells her to get used to it: "Welcome to the summer of Dan Humphrey, babbling at your ass 24/7, from dusk till dawn. Come Labor Day, you're gonna be so sick of me..." She points out that, against all reason, she hasn't gotten sick of him in thirteen years. Man, thirteen minutes I'd be kissing him just to shut him up. But to be fair, they are totally sweet. I would like it if they hooked up. Or joined a cult on some other show. Or sacrificed themselves to save some hostages. But seriously, if they are this cool with each other when they start going out, I really won't have a problem with either of them. Dan + Vanessa is like Dan + Jenny: totally wonderful, until anybody else enters the room or conversation, and then instantly unbearable.

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Gossip Girl

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