Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
Don't You Forget About Me

Dan leaves a voicemail for "Sarah," at Blair's behest. "Hey, hey, it's me. D. Um, after you left, Serena and I got in a huge fight, and... And she said all this crazy stuff. I honestly don't know what to believe, but... But what I do know is I want to see you. So, uh, call me." Blair praises his manipulative powers -- which are, admittedly, mighty -- and Dan takes a while to tell Blair how mind-blowing it is that he is stooping to her level because he doesn't normally "do plots against people," because he is superior to her and everyone she knows and everyone in the entire universe, and she just rolls her eyes and calls him a virgin. "I'll talk you through it." G immediately calls back, winning an excited grin from B: "Right on schedule."

Okay, Georgina is kind of a magnificent cartoon, which is the only part that makes this next part bearable -- and in fact fucking excellent -- because otherwise it would be totally embarrassing. And I admit, if this were the only five minutes of this show a person ever saw, that would be embarrassing and uncharacteristic, but in context it's totally fly. So G is heading somewhere in a towncar when she calls back with a crazy loony grin, and she's all, "Sorry about this morning with Serena. That was very awkward, to say the least," and Dan goes, "Yeah, a little bit. Last night really changed things for me. Serena and I left things kind of uncertain, so I... I think I wanna end it. I know I do. Will you meet me?" She takes a while to answer, gloating freakishly, and then asks Dan to meet her at their spot where her dog Georgie (may he, I assume, rest in peace) first made their meet-cute so meety, and so uncutey. And then! G hangs up and totally says to the driver with a straight -- albeit bugshit crazy -- face, "We're turning around. One last battle, and the war is won." I would give my left nut to be on this show anyway even for five seconds, but I would give my left nut to be on any show and say to the driver, "We're turning around. One last battle, and the war is won." I say that all the time anyway, just not onscreen.

Blair congratulates Humphrey on being a born liar, knowing that it will obviously prompt him to say something like, "Thanks, I think," which he of course does, but then she does her whole "speak softly and carry a big stick" routine, carelessly asking about the whole "genius" part about "last night," while secretly boring holes into his skull with her brain powers. "Anything you wanna tell me?" Dan says no, he's just born to lie, and she lets it slide. Except even on this show, Dan Humphrey did not invent the concept of "night," so if he was talking to a human being on the other end of the line and said "last night" and the other human being was not immediately like, "What are you talking about, 'last night,'" then I don't see what the confusion is here. He just totally fessed up in front of Blair and said, "When you were performing oral sex on me last night it turned out that I had emotions about it," and that's a dropped ball.

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Gossip Girl




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