"It's true that all good things must come to an end, and August is no exception. They don't call it fall for nothing..." Catherine's voicemail is not at all incriminating: "Nate, it's Catherine. Listen, last night was not smart. In fact, it was very, very stupid... Which is why we're gonna have to be much more clever when we get back to the city. Call me when you get this." She hangs up, and immediately her phone rings again: "Oh, darling!" You'll never guess: It's totally Lord Marcus! Catherine is his step-mom, making her the Duchess of Beaton! That is so, so awesome. "Duchess, you weren't home when I packed up. Just wanted to say good-bye to you and Dad before I left."
(But wait, he hasn't seen his step-mother all summer, even though they're both in the same town and attending the same parties with the same people, whom they both know? Oh, Gossip Girl! Your flights of fancy and concomitant incapacity to make basic sense! They thrill and beguile! No, but actually it's okay, because Marcus was in Europe with Blair until yesterday, so if he's staying at a hotel for some weird reason they wouldn't have gotten together yet -- even though they should have at least bumped into each other at VITAMIN WATER IS GOOD FOR YOU EVERYBODY, OKAY? Party -- but who knows the real story. BFF Jeremy is convinced that they are a family of fake-royalty scam artists, and that Gossip Girl is sending us clues about this by not making any damned sense.)
SILF Catherine tells him the Duke is in Boston, but she's "sure he sends his love," and they agree to have dinner in the city that night so he can tell her all about his summer and she can lie that she wasn't engaging in total pedophilia the whole time. Blair comes running out to Marcus's limo giggling madly with a bottle of champagne with which to ply him. "Manhattan, here we come!" Gossip Girl toasts Blair: "Nothing says 'Welcome Home' like a bottle of bubbly... And a scandal bubbling." And so, once again, Blair is party to the massive eruption of contents under pressure in the back of a limo.
Dan listens to his iPod on the jitney; Serena's seat is one row ahead and across the aisle. After a few minutes, she jerks the earphone out of his head to offer him a copy of Nylon: "Sorry. Um, I'm done reading my magazine... And I know that you like the music reviews, so if you want to read it, you can..." Their hands brush as she's handing him the book, and neither of them can let go because their sex is like being electrocuted until you are just the burnt-out husk of a once-living, now barbecue-scented teen tragedy. Then everything becomes totally amazing. Serena produces a giant, chocolate-dipped strawberry, and proceeds to do things to it that I have never seen done to fruit before, organic or otherwise. The music's all like pervy, and the shots are from sixty different flash-cut angles of Serena just going to town on this strawberry like the rent is due, and then proceeding to suck the polish off her nails, down to like the eighth knuckle, the whole time grinning to herself and pretending this hilarious ecstasy, as though she doesn't even notice what a fabulous show she's putting on because the strawberry is just that delicious. Which is, by the way, the most important part of this little routine: the selfish enjoyment and complete disinterest in the rest of the world. She offers him a strawberry and his crossed hazy eyes are like, "Ghnr?" Some time later, she stands up to go to the lav at the back, and the bus hits a bump of course, so she bounces off his giant boner, hits the ceiling, and lands in his lap with her hands perfectly caressing his face. Needless to say -- and without the preceding activities I would judge them fairly harshly for this, but now I just feel helpless -- the next thing that happens is total intercourse in a shuttle bus bathroom.