Rufus, having finally returned to DUMBO, stares at the newly remodeled storage area of his gallery, which is now a trés coffee-shop-by-Ikea courtesy of Vanessa Fucking Abrams. My only question is, did Rufus specifically ask her to do this, or did she break in and redecorate of her own accord? "You're being very quiet. Is that good quiet or bad quiet?" Rufus totally loves it, and says he's impressed: "When I talked about converting our storage space into a café, I was thinking of a folding table and a coffeemaker." She laughs and he thanks her quite seriously, calling it a "great homecoming present" and "exactly what [he] needed"; Vanessa points out, in her usual abrasive manner, that he should just be happy to be home and with his family. "Yeah, of course. I can't wait till the kids get back from the Hamptons. I miss 'em like crazy!" Vanessa keeps pushing and he's like, "I had a great time this summer. I had forgotten what it was like to be on the road, performing for a live audience night after night... I'm grateful for the memory." He tells her to make him some coffee to go, because he needs to go talk to somebody downtown about getting the fuck out of town again before he's forced to spend one solitary second with his children.
Nate returns to Castle Archibald in time to see a bunch of cops raiding all his shit and he's like, "Since this is my house, how about I ask the questions?" and the cops are like, "You are so butch! That's cute! Say it again!" and the lawyer is there supervising the cops going through all their shit and Nate is so mad and angry and stomps his little feet and the cops are like, "Hey, little teapot, don't get steamed! It's not about you, it's about your deranged mother who's about to lose her entire mind and then you'll be all alone," and Nate calls Catherine because he has no friends, and the friends he does have are part of the world that is going to notice his total shame if he becomes poor or his dad goes to jail, so it has to be somebody with less shame and/or more to lose than he does, so it's either Vanessa or Catherine at this point, and even Nate can tell the difference between a MILF and a last resort.
Squash is either deceptively simple or deceptively complex. Because it seems to be about hitting a ball against a wall, and then following that up by hitting the same ball against the same wall. Which seems even more pointless than most sports. I don't know if that's even the point of the game and actually I'm just distracted by the ball and the wall, and the actual game has to do with something else entirely. Chuck says that Marcus is off his game, and then needles him to admit that he's worried about the Duchess, who finds zero girls good enough for him, even "topflight" ones, and always gets inside their heads and ruthlessly exploits their fears. Chuck is like, "I am going to marry the Duchess now that you've said that." Mostly I think that Catherine is twice the cougar we think and that there's all kinds of creepy and awkward coming between Marcus and Catherine, Catherine and Nate and Everybody and Chuck. Probably Vanessa will stick her big stupid face in there too, and I cannot wait for any of it. "Not to mention, she's completely got my father's ear. Of course, Blair is desperate to meet her..." Which, Chuck knows, means she is going to, because it's Blair. I think Chuck wins the game at this point, but then, it's just a game; he asks for Marcus's home number (at the duchy?) under some fake pretext so that he can enlist the Duchess in his evil ploy, and they run off in separate directions. Gossip Girl? Loving it. "Spotted: Chuck Bass, putting his new BFF on speed dial. Is it the beginning of a beautiful bromance? Or the end of Blair's bid to be British?"