Nate tells Jordan he's from St. Jude's, and a dude overhears, desperate as any college student to instantly reel off everything he can think of tangentially related to his course load. "You must know Nate Archibald! I heard he's on campus this weekend. He's the son of Howard 'The Captain' Archibald, we've been talking about him in Econ. The guy's like a modern Milken!" Nate immediately tries to escape, but before Jordan gives him the campus tour, she wants to know his name. He immediately blurts the first name he can think of, which is "Dan Humphrey" for reasons we have only yet to understand, and they take off, hand in hand, for some chaste closed-mouth kissing and literary badinage.

Charles fixes his hair, surrounded by the taut abs and bulging deltoids of the Inner Sanctum. This is where shit blows up and things start getting gay with a vengeance. All that gender performance, "watch me fuck this girl" stuff that you do in high school? College is like the AP class version of that. Which frankly is why all the rape. "Chuck Bass. Heir to Bass Industries, champion of the legendary Lost Weekend. Rumor has it you've slept with more Maxim covers than John Mayer." And better, Chuck adds to much approving laughter, but I don't believe it. Little Big Head says my body's a Wonderland, I'm gonna take it at face value. "If our intel's correct, you're our prime candidate from next year's class. But we don't take anything on hearsay, we need to know firsthand if you're as good as your advertising." Chuck stands and tells them in no uncertain terms that yes, he can take a dick like a champ. "Well, I come prepared. How about a little private party to kick things off?" They pretend to wonder what he means, and Chuck gives that smile that says the line forms to the left.

"I have to say, your application is most impressive, Miss Waldorf. There's just one thing I'd like to know. Tell me something about you that isn't in that packet." B stares at him, because what? "Do you like to drive race cars? Can you cook authentic Szechuan? The young lady before you told me a delightful story -- she was recently in a fashion show! Just for fun!" B is sickened, of course, because explaining how that happened, and how she dragged Serena kicking and screaming into victory once again, is too long and sad a story to recapitulate. Once again, she defines herself only in opposition to Serena, who couldn't be less like her and thus perfectly opposes her at every turn. "I know I must seem rather traditional compared to that young lady, but isn't tradition what Yale is all about?" Dean Berube explains the secret key to this conversation, that Yale is trying to change its egghead/upper-crust image to more of a party school one -- which will never happen, but he's welcome to try and make a deli platter out of quiche Lorraine -- and looks at her expectantly.