Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Love In The Time Of College Applications

The Dean clinks his glass and makes a dorky joke about how the Q&A part of the night has come to be called "Probatur." B snottily informs Serena that it's Latin for "the quiz," and Dean Berube begins. Elsewhere, the total hotties of Skull & Bones kidnap the squealing mess that is Dan Humphrey, while Chuck watches with an evil gleam in his eye. Back at the party, the Dean calls on Miss Steinberg, whose answer is Artemis, which is Latin for loser Women's Studies major who cries in the shower.

As Steinberg goes on and on about Artemis, Serena is overjoyed to find out that Brown is not the only place this vermin finds its home, while Blair is just completely disgusted on every level. Not only does Steinberg exist, but she's here at Yale, which proves her wrong about whose territory it is, because a truly Blairized place would be Steinberg-free. Steinberg even refers to herself as a Freegan, which, imagine the worst person you've ever met in your entire life, dunk them in a filthy river, and convince them that housing is a right and employment is offensive. Ever notice how the most evangelical weirdos always seem to claim as necessary societal reforms the bullshit they were going to do anyway? That's like me telling you alcoholism is now a religion.

As Steinberg finishes up with her impassioned wish to "screw the man" at the same time she's being of no use or worth to anyone including herself, Serena gloats about the whole mysterious alphabetical thing, and B promises her that the look on her face will be one purely of vindication. "Now, on to Miss van der Woodsen. The person you would most like to have dinner with, real or imagined, living or dead is... Pete Fairman." Serena's heart breaks, while Blair makes entirely inappropriate but very funny whaaa? faces. "I do not know this person. Who is Pete Fairman?" Serena stammers just long enough for Blair to jump in: "He's the man she killed."

You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

Everybody stares while Serena feels maybe more horrible than you've ever felt. I mean, I know she didn't really kill the guy, but watching a man literally expire in front of you is traumatic no matter who you are. She's allowed to be fucked up just by seeing it, at fifteen years of age. Blair whispers that this is what she deserves, and Serena tries to explain that Pete Fairman was a man she knew ("Man-slash-dealer," Blair helpfully notes, to the point where the Dean has to tell her to shut up) who died in front of her, and the tragedy and regret of it haunt her, although she wasn't responsible. "Were you responsible for the sex tape?" Blair asks, and Serena has had enough. "Wasn't very sexy, if you ask me," Blair says, before Serena finally grabs her elbow and drags her outside to stop acting like a vapid lunatic child. "My answer was George Sand," Blair shrieks as she's being dragged away. "Love her! Idolize! Worship!"

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Gossip Girl

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