Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Love In The Time Of College Applications

Blair gathers her things from the porch while Serena rests on a bench nearby, and declares herself exhausted by all the fighting. "That's because you almost lost. I had you pinned with that chicken wing, don't deny it." Man, I did not understand that line even though I listened to it over and over, but let me tell you that after an hour of watching amateur wrestling demonstrations of the double chicken wing on YouTube, I wish we'd seen it. "I don't mean this, I mean ... everything. The wars, the betrayal, watching out for every possible land mine... It's exhausting!" Blair agrees. "I'm sick of always looking like Darth Vader next to Sunshine Barbie. Life's too short. You make it feel so long." That is beautiful, and the way she says it is beautiful, but I'm not entirely sure I get what she means. She has me pinned with the chicken wing of my heart.

Serena almost starts crying thinking about what if they just break up, no harm no foul, and Blair turns around so that she can agree without also crying, and they both separately wish and pray fervently for the other one to recant, but they don't, and finally Serena leaves, and Blair can't believe she really walked off, and then she just kind of stares into space, totally lost. "From comrades to combat, we thought we'd seen it all, but we've never seen this: Serena and Blair, calling a cease-fire. After so much scorched earth, can either side claim victory?"

Little Jenny wears some hotpants to breakfast the next day, and of course Vanessa is there. I dunno, maybe she really is fucking Rufus. It's not like she has any concept of boundaries, and he's sort of eternally fifteen in that Juno way, so it wouldn't even be creepy so much as pathetic business as usual. Rufus delivers yet another speech to the dubious Jenny: "When I was your age, all I wanted was to be a musician. But my parents didn't think it was a good idea, and it made for some pretty uncomfortable years. And last night, I realized that... That we don't have to do things that way." We can do it the way where I give you whatever you want, because I'm so desperate to be liked that I will even work to get attention from Dan Humphrey, Brooklyn's answer to a question no one asked.

So Vanessa's going to set Jenny up with homeschooling, just as I predicted, and after Christmas they'll talk about applying to the Professional Children's School. "Like Vera Wang!" screams Little J. "AIEEEE!" (Also: Adam Arkin, Carrie Fisher, all-time superhottie and Penn Badgley impersonatee Elliot Gould, Amy Irving, Carol Kane; Gelsey Kirkland, Sandra Dee, Yo-Yo Ma; Christina Ricci, Christian Slater, Melissa Joan Hart, Rebecca Gayhardt, Ricki Lake, Tara Reid, Sarah Jessica Parker, the Culkins, Jena Malone, Julia Stiles, Martha Plimpton, Scarlett Johansson, Uma Thurman, Sara Rue, and of course my favorite human, Sarah Michelle Gellar -- who went through something close to what Jenny experienced at Constance, and for all I know got to see firsthand all the bullshit Jenny's going to encounter in the weeks to come. Proving that he is still borderline retarded, when Jenny promises she won't let him down, he's all, "I know you won't." But she totally will! She will finally break the seal on her barely contained buttcrazy off-the-chain insanity! It will be wildly awesome and cause all parents to shit simultaneously! Mini Cooper, get your ass here already!

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Gossip Girl

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