Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Love In The Time Of College Applications

B meets S coming out of the Admissions building, and it turns out they're both taking anticredit for the scene last night so that the other one can still have a chance. Blair is wearing an impressive mishmash of collegiate styles all weekend, but I have to say the flapper bucket hat, while not attractive or flattering in any way, is certainly the cleverest of her sartorial attempts to prove her Yalitude. They talk about the time Blair tackled Senator Schumer's daughter for wearing a Harvard sweatshirt to the Harvard/Yale game, proving once again that crazy is born, not taught. Blair freaks out about the concept of not knowing or being with Serena, and they are totally in love, and Serena offers the total freaky lie that girls of this age cling to, which is that they fought because they didn't want to be separated, and OMG they are so sweet.

The morning after the TOTAL THREESOME, and Dan's drinking coffee. Nate asks Jordan once again to help Dan with the recommendation, and of course she's going to because she just had a night of passion with two of the hottest guys of all time, and Jordan kisses Nate and tells him some bullshit thing about being himself, because he's so interesting and smart and funny and all the things you tell yourself about your boyfriend when your boyfriend is like Nate. "You know what? You do Dan Humphrey better than Dan Humphrey," Dan says, and really actually laughs, like Penn Badgely laughs, at the funny face Nate makes. "That thousand yard squint, can I steal that?" Chuck is going to unspool.

The Skull & Boners are all over Chuck for sending them after the wrong Nate Archibald, but before they can issue some futile threats in his direction he tells them that the triplet whores from last night were totally wearing lipstick cameras and now he owns them forever and through them, of course, all of America for the next hundred years. Lipstick! Cameras! It's been nearly a week and I still can't get over that!

Nate sulks by the towncar while the driver loads his eighteen bags full of beauty products and shoes, and Chuck's like, "Missed you last night," and Nate's all, "Oh did you? Or maybe you just didn't want me around," and Chuck's like, "No baby it ain't like that, I love you," and Nate's all, "I can't believe you sicced the Skull & Boners on my new BFF" and Chuck is like, "Fuck a bunch of BFF, that's Dan Humphrey. His continued existence is an affront," and also calls him "Humdrum Humphrey," which: really? Nate totally defies Chuck's scary intense insistence that Dan is "less than nothing" and it's like watching Tippi Hedren leave her husband in a movie: he's wearing like a smoking jacket and smoking a pipe or a sportcoat with those elbow protector things and he's like, "We'll talk about this in the car, dear," and she's all, "I'd rather take the train.... With Dan Humphrey. At least he cares about my feelings!" And then runs away so you can't see her mascara running. Man, if you went back it would be scary easy to turn every single Nate/Chuck scene into a particularly dramatic episode of Mary Worth.

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Gossip Girl




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