Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Love In The Time Of College Applications

Serena runs to catch up with Blair, hands and eyes wide open, begging the past to stay in the past. When she pledged to be herself at all costs -- a pledge she broke an hour ago -- she didn't ever mean it to be hurtful. Plus, Blair has no idea she's already turned down an inordinate opportunity on her behalf. "So you're off to Yale?" B pronounces her deductive reasoning skills a perfect fit for "a place like Brown," declaring renewed hostilities without the hint of quarter and grossing Serena out anew. "An enclave of trustafarians and children of celebrities who major in drum circles and semiotics," B says brightly, "...Whatever that is." (I would explain, but basically it means you end up paying your rent by writing recaps of popular television shows.)

"I can't wait for you to come home next Thanksgiving a militant veganista. Anemic and proud!" Serena, unable to deconstruct the underlying signifieds of these images to any great effect, reminds B that Brown is an Ivy League school. "Everyone knows that the only real Ivies are the Holy Trinity: Harvard, Yale and Princeton." S gets a little nastier, pointing out that not everybody wants to go to Yale because not everyone wants to be Blair Waldorf. "Not everyone can be." Nice.

"Since we're not friends anymore, let me speak frankly. You're not that smart." The sparks fly up immediately, because: what? "You lack focus and discipline. Charm is all well and good, but in the real world knowledge is power." Serena's face broadcasts clearly that it is now on, but of course B can't stop the horror train once she's boarded. "You wouldn't make it past the first round of admissions at Yale, no matter how hard you tried. Have fun in Providence." You may have the home-court advantage by virtue of being everybody's favorite person in the world, but we're about to head into my territory, and I desperately need you to understand that, because right now my entire sense of self is about going home and being the Queen B there. "Oh, and you know, maybe you can get your hair dreadlocked while you're there." Of course, Serena whips out her phone before GG can even start with the Oh Girl: "Gossip Girl's hardly a war buff, but I did cram for a quiz or two on the American Revolution. The last time New Haven was invaded was in 1779..." Serena tells Lily to change their itinerary: Operation New Haven is on. "Heads up, B. There's a cannonball coming your way!"

You will squeeze the life out of me
How did it come to this?

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Gossip Girl

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