"Poor little orphan Jenny looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks but Daddy Warbuckses don't grow on trees at least on a tree that grows in Brooklyn."
And he'd look at that, that undiagrammable jumble of words, that pressured speech of a person on bath salts, and Dan Humphrey's fist would pump the air, and he'd say to nobody at all: "Nailed it."
Everybody: "Well, it is by far the most interesting thing you've ever done."
Georgina: "Yeah, but I hacked it and stole it, that makes me way more awesome. Transitive property."
Dan: "Uh yeah, after I got bored and shut it down. And eventually I stole it back anyway, from Serena, which is hardly a caper."
Nate: "I should have known it was you on that sex-circus security tape... You were the only one that wasn't with us at that sex party."
Georgina: "And the only one that owns a hoodie."
[Much of this happens, where they raise objections and then dismiss them, but I respect us more than the show does, because I'm not going to play that game. You can explain away the inconsistencies all day long, it doesn't mean it's going to make sense. Just don't worry about it. It's cool, the last three years basically sucked, we're ending in a happy place, why shit on that.]
Rufus shows up to bitch at Dan, to claw Gen X-ly at this circumstance in search of a thing to bitch about so he can feel like a hero, and everybody immediately starts drinking.
Rufus: "Dan, I want to thank you for doing something so reprehensible that it gave me an orgasm."
Dan: "Or am I a hero, after all?"
Rufus: "You chased Jenny out of the country..."
Dan: "You were ruining her at every turn. Also, she totally knew what was going on the whole time, so..."
Rufus: "...I guess you're right. Gossip Girl was you being a hero, all along."
Dan: "I should have known this is the one thing that would make you proud."
Serena, still selling: "Dan was as hard on himself as he was any of us, is one lie I'm telling myself. And he was only acting on tips, which we've all submitted..."
Nate: "Except me."
Everybody: "Fuck you, we know. God. And Dan kept his mitts off you, too."
Chuck: "I officially don't care about any of this. Also, Dan likes us the most and even gave a speech last week about how gay he is for me, so it all works out. This is just outrage in search of a reason to yell. Think of it as a rape spree that never happened."
Everybody: "Wait, why are you not in jail?"
Chuck & Blair: "Do you really care? Honestly?"
Everybody: "Not even a little bit."