Kaylee DeFer was so cute in the retrospective that aired before this, talking about how her first taste of fame was being spit on by old and young alike, due to the awfulness of Ivy Dickens. Her mouth said, "This is great!" but her eyes said, "Please stop spitting on me."
The police arrive at Nate's house and at Blair's house, to ask them if maybe Chuck and Blair are fucked-up soulless black holes that ruin everything around them and would think nothing of murder.
Police: "Sage, has Blair ever tried to kill you, or used you in a scheme?"
Nate: "You can't talk to her, she's a minor. Despite all appearances."
Police: "Heh heh heh. Allllll riiiiight."
Nate: "Don't be gross. As the person who is usually the May in the May/December, I know how yucky it can make you feel."
Police: "Eleanor, has Chuck ever tried to rape everybody who exists?"
Eleanor: "I labored endlessly for twenty years trying to turn my daughter into a serial killer. Nothing took. She got bulimia and then forgot she had bulimia. Chuck is the worst thing she will ever do. But no, they are not murderers."
Cyrus & Dorota: "You don't know your own daughter very well. The only reason Blair hasn't gotten around to killing a person yet is because she's been so busy, desperately trying to make Chuck like her."
Uncle Jack: "Room service! Just kidding, it's Uncle Jack."
Blair & Chuck: "Thank God it's you. You're so trustworthy."
Uncle Jack: "Hide your kids, hide your wife."
Serena: "Hey, why are you chilling in my house?"
Dan: "Hey, are you still struggling to read that story?"
Serena: "I read it twice, thank you very much. It took all night. And I still don't understand anything about anything. Which Dan are you, the horrible bitchy one that wrote the mean chapter, or the pussy that wrote this one? Both is not an acceptable answer."
Serena: "I can accept that."
Uncle Jack: "I've had a tracking device on you since our last war when I made you think both your parents were dead, and then that neither of them were dead, and then I hypnotized your mother into pretending she wasn't your mother, using my penis. In case you suddenly needed this show to explain anything about the chaos nonsense that happens in it. So did you kill Bart?"
Chuck: "Kind of. I mean, yes. Only there were no witnesses except for Blair, who totally says it was self-defense, and also he tried to blow me up a few hours previous, so really there's zero reason for us to have run away or think any of this is a problem. We're just being huge drama queens."
Blair: "Just to contribute nothing helpful, I was thinking we should fly to an island and live off the land."
Uncle Jack: "Um, that's super stupid, but how about you guys get married? Then Blair won't have to testify, telling the truth that would exonerate you."
Blair: "Yes. That would really solve the nonexistent problems here."