Gossip Girl
New York, I Love You XOXO

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 35 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Something About Survival

Charles Bass and his lovely wife, Blair Waldorf, make the drive up to VITAMIN WATER estates with their young son, Henry. So-named for the son who overcame his father, and loved his child so much the war was ended forever. Eleanor showers the boy with love, limitless unconditional love without judgment, but Blair's not jealous. She's too busy violating trade embargoes with China, who by 2017 will own your ass anyway.

Eric has grown a little goatee.

So has Jenny.

William and Lily van der Woodsen giggle with the other couples. Who among us has not designed complex schemes to fool us into taking unnecessary cancer medications that gave us migraines that scared us into taking more unnecessary cancer medications? Rufus monitored her alcohol intake, in his woman sweater; Bart often threatened to throw her in the fire like so much broken kindling. It was only William, the father of her children, who never really gave a shit one way or the other.

Rufus and Lisa Loeb, wearing matching glasses, regale the grownups with tales of their artisanal something something. Later, they will take the jitney and it will drive off the road and Lisa Loeb will be stuck in a life, tending to wheelchair-bound Rufus Humphrey. She will grow resentful, over time, grinding glass into his waffle batter, putting his guitar on shelves just out of reach. Waiting until he puts on his rollneck lady sweater, then turning the heat back up. And should he ever forget himself and complain she'll smile, and lean down, tugging with one nail at his choker, and whisper-hiss, "Scream all you want. But I only hear what I want to."

Lola Rhodes and Olivia Burke are starring in a movie called Ivy League, billed as "The Twisted Tale Of The Female Con Artist Who Took Manhattan For Millions." Sometimes it's the little things.

If only Ivy Dickens could enjoy this final non-victory, but sadly she took her own life after a breakdown in negotiations between the Swamp People and the Crocodile People dissolved her unhappy, treaty-driven marriage to the King of the Crocodile People. She is survived by a single, croak-throated daughter, the half-crocodile heiress to two thrones, Princess Charlie Peepers. And who is the wormtongued consiglieri lurking just behind her throne, awaiting her majority, tending to her regency? Why, it's Carol Rhodes in disguise. She worships a crocodile god now. His gleaming teeth, His false tears.

Uncle Jack: "Serena looks so lovely in that dress, my sweet. Does she not?"

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Gossip Girl

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