Dan, creepin', decides it's time to screw over Vanity Fair and give Nate his big Gossip Girl scoop: The Dan Chapter. He creeps away, Smeagolling over his hope that this big twist will interrupt the wedding, because God forbid anything ever happen that isn't about him.
Nate: "Do I care what happened on that rooftop?"
Nate: "Just checking."
Dan: "Nate, here is my best chapter. It is about me."
Nate: "I recognize this word that starts with G. This is about Gossip Girl."
Dan: "It is about both."
Nate: "Do I care about any of this?"
Dan: "You do not."
Nate: "Sage, go type this chapter into our website word for word. Can you do that?"
Sage: "Like I really care about this wedding. Come on."
GG girls, talking a foot away from Nate, decide they're bored with waiting for Gossip Girl to tell about the wedding, so they decide to tell the police instead. That way, the police will arrest Chuck for killing his father, and I guess that goes in the Win column. Nate seems flummoxed by this information he overhears, but not really that interested in following up on it.
Cyrus: "To quote The Princess Bride, marriage is what brings us here together..."
Chuck: "-- Man and wife! Say, man and wife!"
Cyrus: "Man and wife."
They kiss, the cops come and take them both away, and nobody has a problem with any of this. I guess Eleanor really is new money after all.
THE BIG REVEAL
Every lady who has ever been on this show -- Juliet, Agnes, Vanessa, Mayor Bloomberg -- is shocked to find out that Dan is Gossip Girl. Agnes is, of course, the best: Laughing about what a little bitch Dan Humphrey is. Tinsley Mortimer has heard it all before.
Kristen Bell: "Hey, Upper East Siders. Gossip Girl here, and I have the biggest news ever..."
Rachel Bilson: "Serena! You're back from boarding school..."
Kristen Bell: "Hang on, GG blast."
Rachel Bilson: "Have you seen the piece of crap TV show I'm on right now? This movie based on Inside/Inside Out is the only thing I've got going on. Focus."
Kristen Bell: "Holy shit, Dan is Gossip Girl."
Rachel Bilson: "Wait, GG is real?"
And Kristen Bell winks at the camera. I can see this being infuriating, but first of all there is no way Kristen Bell could ever do anything that would be infuriating because she is wonderful, and second of all go for it.