THE FINAL CHAPTER
"The Upper East Side was like something from Fitzgerald or Thackeray... Teenagers acting like adults, adults acting like teenagers, guarding secrets, spreading gossip, all with the trappings of truly opulent wealth. And membership in this community was so elite, you couldn't even buy your way in. It was a birthright... a birthright I didn't have and my greatest achievements would never earn me. All I had to compare to this world was what I'd read in books. But that gave me the idea. If I wasn't born into this world, maybe I could write myself into it. I'd overheard enough conversations to be able to mimic the language of the Constance girls, but every writer needs his muse. And it wasn't until that photo of Serena in the white dress that I knew I had something strong enough to actually create a legend... and launch a web site. Within weeks, I was getting dozens of e-mails with stories about Upper East Siders, so I posted them anonymously. And then I got more... Before long it was a monster, everyone was sending tips. And when Serena came back from boarding school, I wrote my first post about me... Lonelyboy, the outsider, the underdog. I might've been a joke, but at least people were talking about me."
Oh, honey. Oh, Dan. Of all the excellent things about this episode, the very most beautiful is the fact that he thinks Gossip Girl is what young ladies talk like, rather than what no person ever on earth has talked like. Maybe part of his hatred of women comes down to some kind of aphasic inability to understand words that they are saying. Trying to say "Jenny Humphrey is homeless because her father is a bitch who's jealous of her talent and all her clothes just got burnt up by Agnes," he thought, how would a teenage girl get that across in a straightforward way?
"Poor little orphan Jenny looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks but Daddy Warbuckses don't grow on trees at least on a tree that grows in Brooklyn."
And he'd look at that, that undiagrammable jumble of words, that pressured speech of a person on bath salts, and Dan Humphrey's fist would pump the air, and he'd say to nobody at all: "Nailed it."
Everybody: "Well, it is by far the most interesting thing you've ever done."
Georgina: "Yeah, but I hacked it and stole it, that makes me way more awesome. Transitive property."
Dan: "Uh yeah, after I got bored and shut it down. And eventually I stole it back anyway, from Serena, which is hardly a caper."