Damien wastes no time getting Eric onboard for Operation Ben Dover, confessing twitchily about his run-in with the ex-con and eventually getting Dan in on things as well. Turns out Serena and Rufus didn't really clear the whole DUMBO loft-sharing plan with him first, so he's pissed from several angles and prepared to believe almost anything about old Ben. (Of course, considering that Ben actually did come at him last week, drooling and all, is a shoe that will drop another day -- and how come Taylor Momsen was in the credits? Does that always happen?)
Eric eventually punches Damien to get Ben arrested on a parole violation, but when Damien immediately -- and viciously -- dumps him, he realizes their entire relationship was about getting Ben away from Serena, so he comes clean. Dan, mortified that once again he chose bitching over Serena, does what he can to make things right -- including moving Ben back to DUMBO, and visiting Damien's dad with Nate in order to destroy his life. Ben finally kisses S, and the little hamster behind Rufus's eyes starts going nuts at the idea of parenting the shit out of lonely little Eric.
Meanwhile, Chuck's got 24 hours (again) to keep Raina from cosigning the sale of Bass Ind. (again) so -- on a tip from Blair -- gives her a night of romance and soul-baring. Of course, she eventually finds out this was all a ruse and dumps him. Blair gives her a call and explains how Chuck works, and before you know it Raina's not only dating him for real, but demanding he be installed in the newly merged company.
But that's only half of the awesomeness that is Chuck and Blair these days: He swoops in to give her not only 1) The Palace for a W party with Florence + The Machine, but 2) Nate's ass, for the delectation of Epperly, who needs to get laid if she's ever going to relax enough to let Blair lay eggs in her brain. And while they don't actually hook up in the end, the guy she does go home with manages to spirit her away to do yoga in Bali, leaving W's keys to Blair in the process.
Yeah, that's at least three unrealistic happy endings -- "Sure, you can carry a full load at Columbia while being the exec asst for the head of W" is maybe the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened on this show, up to and including Lord Marcus -- but as TV apparently learned this week, all happy endings are valid, just so long as the Naked & Famous are playing. It just makes you feel so good.
Next week: Valentine's Day means some stress on Chuck and Blair's wonderful non-romance, Dan and Blair go sneaking around together, which is always amazing, and Lily comes after Chuck about some damn thing or another. I guess Damien's gone for good, which is kinda sad because he was getting really interesting -- but I guess as long as Eric's okay it doesn't really matter. XOXO.
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"A wise woman," a lady named Burt Bacharach I think it was, "Once said that every morning when you wake up, you say a little prayer. After all, you never know what your day may hold!" So it's gonna be like that this week, eh, Gossip Girl? Got it. Go to your corner.
What everybody is doing: Chuck and Raina are having muscular sex that looks like a fight sometimes. Blair is not living up to Epperly's insatiable editorial needs. Serena is staring into space chewing on nothing. Rufus is showing up at Dan's house with Ben and a PO in tow, because guess what: You live with Ben now.
While Raina must call the aggressive sex off -- Russell calls -- Blair's boss Epperly's flipping because she needs a performance space for Florence + The Machine stat, due to the Ace having suddenly become unavailable. (This is all for a "kickoff" party of some stripe but I don't think we ever find out what is being kicked.) Blair's all about it -- yelling at caterers and florists and giftbaggeries is something she's been doing since she were wee -- but Epperly doesn't trust her, due to her being a child and already having been fired once in the day* since she started working here.
Oh, and tomorrow is her first performance review: How, over the last thirty-six hours, have you grown into your role in this internship? Blair monologues about all this absolute nonsense until one of the other girls is like, "Epperly is under actual pressure, you are under the pressure of being a crazy person. Hers wins."
*(I'm basing this on the fact that Damien is still wheezing from his Ben attack when he gets to his date with Eric in a second.)
No, no, says Blair: She's been doing Fashion Week since she were wee. And none rougher than when Eleanor was hard up -- in those long sad years between her gay husband and her wizened one, that period that went from a year before S1 and ended like middle of S2, those long sad years -- and all the sex she got from those two husbands that she didn't get between those two husbands.
Huzzah! It must be sex! (Such a Virgo.) "It's hard for a Powerful Woman to find the time!" So now how can Blair get somebody to fuck Epperly into submission without coming off creepy? "Maybe all I have to do, to get Epperly off my back, is to get her on hers!" (Still creepy.) The other assistant or intern is like, "Last time I checked the intern packet I don't think Pimp Daddy was included in the description of duties."