Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Imperial Bedrooms

Dan rattles dishes around horribly, passive-aggressively, bitchily, and yells at Ben about where the dishes go and where they have always gone and blah-blah, and Ben's like, "DUDE. How OLD are you? I'm sorry my sister kidnapped your sister! I told her to fuck off, even!" Then how come she called you earlier and I saw it? "Because it is my freaking mom's birthday, weirdo!" But you are trying to make S choose between you and her family! "No, I'm not! That's what you always did!" It's heady.

...And then Serena calls, right on time, proving Dan's point once again. She asks him to this kickoff party for whatever is getting kicked, and Ben goes, "You know, if you'd asked me an hour ago, I would've said that's not such a good idea, since it's not, but as it turns out your brother is a flaming tampon. I am totally in!"

Nate's locked down, time to tell Epperly the great news... But no, because now she can't go, because logistics are tough. So Blair says that in this case Cinderella has a Blackberry and an insane assistant intern ready to get her boned, so let's just forward all the phones in the entire world to my phone with different ringtones and you can see just how close to the brink I'm capable of being pushed. Fashion Week, for me, is like when a mom lifts a car off her baby. I got marbles to spare, little mama!

And then in a quiet whisper: Giant gypsy moth eyebrows ... man-bangs ... bounce a quarter off literally any area ... delts like cantaloupes ... he's a cute muscled bicycle, you just get on and ride ... he's a two-fisted pile of issues, ready to get as weird and filthy as any Oxford fashion grad would want ... refractory period like a goldfish's memory ... Archibald ... Arrrrrchiballllllld...

At the party Epps is almost distracted by the embattled giftbags, but one flash of that face of his -- "Look alive," Blair barks -- and she's realigned and ready to go. Blair slaps his ass as he's walking Epperly to the bar, because she's awesome.

And over there, you got Ben actually saying, "So you go to things like this every week?" and Serena laughs about how that's just a conceit of the show, it's been going on for four years and yes you're very clever but do stop thinking about it so much: It's almost as annoying as bitching about how many characters get cast on True Blood, as though anybody's dumb enough to get confused, considering every show has that many guest roles and recurring characters and the only reason it's somehow news is because the internet is starving and knows that talking about every casting side like they're the new central character is a good way to get pageviews.

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Gossip Girl

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