Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Imperial Bedrooms

Blair shows up, Epperly in tow, so that she can get the keys to the Empire for the night, and also make Chuck fuck her. First request: Denied, although the Palace is available. Blair's nervous but considers it, and they settle on that. Second request: First, let me just tell Nate to take Epperly up to the roof so we can discuss her sexuality in private.

This actually works, because Nate wouldn't think to question anything that is going on, ever -- "Up to the roof? You betcha!" -- and because no matter who you are, you would let Nate Archibald take you to anyplace. And then once you got there, you would go, "Brr, I'm a little cold!" And then who knows what could happen.

Left alone, Blair and Chuck turn to one another and, with a single voice, both whisper: "I need your help!" Which is so perfect and respectable and neat, right, but then here comes fucking Gossip Girl -- who never makes, like, tons of sense -- saying incomprehensible bullshit like, Looks like our favorite Upper East Sinners just found the answer to their prayers! Lucky for us, their road to Heaven leads straight through Hell...

Would you even notice if she didn't talk? I don't mind it at the beginning and the end of the episode -- who doesn't love a strangled metaphor playing out over a montage of people in misery/fucking/both? -- but when it's crazy talk like that as a kicker, you better bring the full-on Daddy Warbucks. Nothing else will do.

Over at PRADA, Dan does this new thing where he pretends he's not starting shit, and then totally starts shit. "Dorota told me you were here," Dan says to Serena, who is sitting at the PRADA counter eating berries out of a glass candy dish, like ya do, and she doesn't even worry about how he just went to two places in the UES to yell at her. Just keeps eating her berries and wishing Ben Donovan would kiss her on the mouth so she could move onto her next victim. Somebody from this decade.

"Wanna berry?" It's like she's trying to push his buttons. She says some crap about how she was there to check on Eric -- one of her goals, presumably, is taking an hour off from obsessing about Ben each day to do this, after her little bro basically admitted to his looming depression last week -- and he's like, "I already had breakfast... WITH BEN! MY HOT NEW ROOMMATE!" Serena actually rolls her eyes, like it's so fucking typical that Dan Humphrey would find some reason to be annoyed that she relocated an ex-con to his house without asking first.

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Gossip Girl

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