Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Imperial Bedrooms

But Ben deserves a second chance. "Oh? To what, to drug you and leave you for dead in a motel room again?" No, to reconsider not fucking me, duh. Apparently Juliet's off -- get this -- "doing independent study somewhere," so she's out of the picture and Ben doesn't even talk to her anymore anyway.

Question: With what money? Lily money? No, because Lily doesn't have to give her any money anymore due to the "you kidnapped and roofied and suicided my daughter" clause. With Professor Cousin's money? Doubtful. With her own money? If she had that, she wouldn't have needed Professor Cousin in the first place.

(Professor Cousin was so dreamy. I miss Professor Cousin. You know who I really miss? Tripp. And Carter Baizen. And Lady Catherine! What. A. Hoot. And do you think that since Jenny's gone the way of Isaiah Washington we'll ever see Agnes again? What do you think Vanessa's doing right now? Do you think she misses us as much as we miss her? Probably a little more, I bet. I wish Juliet never left. This show is a series of unending goodbyes to guest stars, but they live on. Right here in my heart. My heart, sometimes other places. But most especially Tripp and Carter Baizen.)

...Sorry, Follow-Up Question: Do you mean like how Georgina went off for "independent study" and came back pregnant with a Russian mob baby? I mean, it's scary enough when Blair has people removed from the western hemisphere: Think about where Lily would send your ass.

"Between a Marlins jersey and the fires of Mordor lies the better part of decorum," she'd say, and you're over here tryna get demon teeth outta your arm.

"I understand that you feel badly about what happened and what Lily did, but you can't forget that this guy spent the past six months out to get you!" True. And people will keep saying that, so many times in this episode that I must forego my usual policy of just agreeing with whatever Serena has to say, and actually use my brain to think: Maybe the twitchy, bulging eyes of Ben the Shanker hide more than just love stories and chastity of heart.

Within five seconds of Serena refusing to talk about it, mumbling about how one day he will see "what she sees" and this kind of thing, Dan's got it: She's in love with him. Dan's a real sleuth when it comes to these things: Is it Monday, Daniel? Because Serena's in love with somebody, and it's probably a bad idea. Yeah, you got this.

Then, hilariously -- the world so often conspires to prove Dan's point, it's maddening -- Ben calls her up on the phone to ask why there are two delivery men delivering a bookcase to the loft. Um, because you don't have one? Because Rufus is illiterate and Jenny was a feral mess and Dan's a poseur?

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Gossip Girl

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