Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Serena Also Rises

Jenny hands her after-party dress over to the intern, and needless to say Blair's all over that shit, manipulating the intern into telling her that Jenny -- who is apparently the enemy right this second, thanks to Eleanor's sudden twisting of the knife -- is in charge of getting the models to the runway. Blair grins hugely, and GG shivers: "Spotted: Blair Waldorf, looking to do a good deed? There's a first time for everything..."

Dan asks Chuck what it's "really like" to be him, if he was a happy kid, when he first started drinking alone in bars ("When I realized hot, desperate women drink in bars alone"), and finally, what Bart was like when Charles was growing up. Chuck is grim and dark and broody to an amazing degree: "Me. Only older. And meaner." Dan bats eyelashes at him, but Chuck's done sharing. He stands up, rolling his spine like he's drunk or a housecat, and goes over to hit on the ugliest girl I've ever seen in my life. "I pay cash upfront. Now, let's go." She's incensed and he walks away; Dan feels awkward about it all, because part of the glamour is apparently Chuck's ability to "talk to hookers," but in order to be really smooth at that, you must first possess the skill of identifying the hookers.

The non-prostitute's boyfriend comes back from the bathroom, and in two shakes he's all over Chuck, who finally just goes, "It's not my fault your girlfriend dresses like a high-class call girl!" Dan has now fully inserted himself into the situation, and after that line it's probably a good thing: the guy gets about a millimeter of the two yards separating him from Chuck before Dan decks the guy really hard and he goes down. Looking for a reason to fight? Or trying desperately to get Chuck to like him, so that he can flip the script and rape Chuck's brain for a change? Or maybe he's decent, I'm never going to give up that idea; I do love that for all Chuck's hard-living ways it still makes sense that you would have the pussy from Brooklyn jump in and save his ass rather than us having to watch Chuck Bass "fight" a guy, which would just be super weird. Anyway, all of these things go through Chuck's brain but the spinny wheel eventually lands on Total Gay Love, like maybe rape is just one option among many options all of a sudden.

Rufus comes home to an empty house and a vague message from Headmistress Queller saying only that Jenny is totally out of control, which has been true this entire show, and it takes him a second to realize that she's totally at Fashion Week. He nods sagely to himself and the answering machine, as though to say, "That's totally what it is. Out of control." Meanwhile Jenny's totally in control and there's more fashion, including the eternally wonderful Tinsley and the formerly horrible Michael Kors, whose behavior has improved considerably this season. Laurel acts kind of weirdly excited and makes a bunch of creepy succubus faces, and then sends Jenny backstage to get the models ready; Jenny ignores the incoming calls from her dad but is shocked to find the makeup room completely empty but for Blair and one terrified hairdresser. "Where are the models?" Blair plays dumb for a second, then admits the models are gone. Which serves no purpose whatsoever except to confirm that she's a crazy bitch. I mean, I sympathize with what Blair's going through of course, but the thing about vengeance and destruction, all those wonderful things that make high school worth attending, is that they should make rational sense and lead somewhere good. Look at Chuck! Now there's a man who knows his endgame. This is just ... striking out randomly like a school shooting dork, and it's embarrassing for the same reasons. Laurel has a coke-fueled coronary, but Little J has a brainwave and saves the day: Take all those socialites out of their front-row seats and put them in the clothes.

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Gossip Girl

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