Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Serena Also Rises

The now-jailed Dan, finally having cribbed some alone time with Chuck after defending his honor, still can't fucking shut up and let nature take its course. "Jail. Brawling in public. You know, I hear Yale's looking to recruit more bar fighters this year. Bar fighters and, um, Pacific Islanders. They're looking to round out the freshman class." Okay, that's pretty funny. Chuck tries to gently shepherd him back to the point, all You Had My Back and I Am So Grateful and whatever, and Dan couldn't care less, because on The Dan Show there aren't even commercial breaks. He starts talking about his dad Rufus and that sad angry face he always makes instead of showing a backbone or giving his children boundaries, and Chuck distracts him with a tale of woe. And while the story isn't about Dan, and thus shouldn't interest Dan, it does lead to the nasty place Noah told him to go, which means it's still about Dan.

Dan asks how Chuck's dad will take the news that his son is incarcerated. "Oh, he'll be annoyed that he has to call his lawyer. After that..." Chuck says Bart has been like this since he was born, and Dan calls this crazy because, heh, "Even Bart Bass doesn't hate babies. It's, uh, it's in our DNA. I think Disney did a study." Chuck says that Bart is the exception to the rule, because the first Mrs. Bass died in childbirth. "Sometimes I swear he thinks I killed her... Who knows, maybe I did." I can't even tell if he's lying because it's so melodramatic. This whole episode he's been acting like something out of a telenovela and it's obviously true but it comes off as a fucked up lie. Anyway, they come get Chuck out of jail, and he promises to lawyer Dan up so he won't get in trouble with The Ruf. Then they hold hands and spend a few more moments in gay love with each other. Once he's gone, Dan immediately starts thinking about the morality of exploiting Chuck's one emotion ever, and if it's worth betraying his closest rapist if he's just going to end up a still-shitty writer.

Bart comes home to his redecorated apartment and makes out with Lily for awhile. He presents her with a not-terribly-delightful necklace, which throws Lily off because she assumed her present would be more naked lady-shaped. Bart explains that he did buy the Mapplethorpe, but because he knows pornography when he sees it, he only bought it in order to hide it from the world. Lily simply can't understand why a demimonde photograph of her naked bellybutton would be a PR issue, so he lays it out: "Lily, I'm a powerful man. And that makes me, and those around me, a target. And it is my job to protect this family from anything that can be used against us." Lily leapfrogs over that valid point to notice that nobody, including Bart, should have known about that photograph. She starts out flirty and funny and jokey at the beginning, but by the end her eyes have gone dead: "How did you even know about it? Did you hire someone to look into my past? Do you have a Lily Bass dossier? ...I want to see it. I want to see it. Everything." Bart's not exactly contrite, but it does seem likely that he'd considered this response. Since what he did was, you know, evil.

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Gossip Girl




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