"You know it makes one feel rather good deciding not to be a bitch."
"Isn't it pretty to think so?"
Secrets! Surveillance! Revealed! Just as Chuck is accidentally finding Dan's story notes (Which are, get this: "GET HIS SECRETS/FIND OUT WHAT MAKES HIM TICK," literally! He wrote this down! Like in case he forgot why he was really there!), Lily is going through the Lily Bass Dossier, which contains letters she wrote to her "college boyfriend" (the professor she was boning in college, Bart corrects), and various other things. She tries to explain to him how secret secrets aren't much fun and secret secrets hurt someone, but he's like, "Suck on this secret." He hands her an envelope with something inside, and we don't know what it is beyond the fact that it's printed landscape, not portrait. (LIKE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE FOR HER LOVE CHILD WITH RUFUS IN THE 7890s!) Her face is sad, and frightened, and concerned. "Who gave this to you?"
Dan is rotting in the cell with two huge leather queens when Chuck comes back and starts yelling at Dan, who of course has the balls to be incensed that Chuck invaded his privacy, right, and Chuck is like, "I'm leaving you here to be raped by leather queens, and I totally didn't kill my mom! That was a lie! My mother died in a plane crash in the Andes when I was six! With Ethan Hawke and a soccer team! So THERE!" He stomps off and Dan stands stock still trying to quickly figure out a way to maintain the moral upper hand here.
Eleanor starts beating on Jenny immediately and talking about how Jenny might as well forget wearing clothes much less making them, so violently over is her career. Just then, Laurel runs up to say that Vogue Editor-At-Large André Leon Talley is raving about the finale dress. Which was really, really cute I thought: emerald green, bubble hem. Not entirely now, but as ALT says, it served as the "perfect culmination" to the Waldorf line. The models -- Serena and Poppy, of course, leading the charge -- come down for their bows as Jenny explains that it kind of, sort of is Eleanor's dress, in a way: "I used scraps of fabric I found around the atelier, and I adapted one of your old patterns... It's basically your design. Please take credit for it." Eleanor is not in love with the idea of claiming a dress "made by a child," but then Blair points out (while expertly avoiding her own implication in this disaster at every turn) that the show has been saved, thanks to the celebutante models, and there's no need to hold a grudge or admit that there was a problem backstage, when the option is to go out and take a bow. And she does, meaning that it's just as Blair is assisting her own ouster as daughter (after managing to engineer a new success for Serena that tops everything so far), Jenny is telling the intern who informs her that a guy claiming to be her dad is outside that there must be some mistake, as her dad is out of town. Man, if they threw Rufus and Dan in jail during this episode I could die happy.