Wow, this episode was stellar! While pretty quality this season, the show hasn't been this much fun since that Juliet/Queens two-parter with the masks and Dan and Blair went motoring around the East Coast. Great music, Charlie's fitting right in, twists and turns and surveillance/propaganda/burlesque thematics aplenty, everybody gets a moment in the sun, Dan kicks Vanessa's teeth down her throat. It's all so awesome!
So while Lily's searching a well-known online shopping site for clothes that'll match a house arrest anklet -- and hoping her never-before-seen Newpsie friends will stick by her -- Serena's got Cousin Charlie stalking Dan and Blair to find out if Vanessa's eavesdropping has, as usual, fucked everything up for everybody.
Charlie spots B and Lonelyboy heading into Veselka, but it's not what they think: Prince Louis is media-shy, and Blair knows all the "secret" places from her Dan times -- and Dan's there tailing Louis for some journalism thing (which he immediately shirks). So when S surprises B on her princely date, you think shit is going to hit the fan, but S immediately clears it up. Nevertheless, Charlie stays on the case using Gossip Girl's creepy stalker technology. (And you would too -- Dan looks hot as shit the entire episode.)
Anne Archibald moves the Newpsie party out of Lily's house, in a rare display of bitchery, but with Rufus's not-quite-blessing and Eric's gleeful involvement, Serena uses a previously unmentioned Sapphic indiscretion to blackmail one of the Pink Party's co-chairs to move it back to Lily's house, so she can keep an eye on Blair and Charlie can flirt with Dan. (Serena rules this episode. Actually, everybody does.)
Raina and Nate talk for a hundred years about her exploded mom Avery, then hire a PI. Chuck can't quite manage to tell them how his dad blew her mom up, so after many warnings and misgivings, Chuck accompanies them to Jersey to meet the proposed Avery, who is not her mom after all. Chuck admits the truth to Nate, but surprisingly did not hire the fake mom -- he honestly wanted her to find her mom, aww. Anyway, Chuck's PI seems to think she really is dead, complete with video of her rushing into the burning building or whatever, but you know you can't trust this show.
Prince Louis gets the hammer from his parents, since Blair is not Modern Royalty and he's not supposed to be here, and B assumes that it's Dan's meddling that's gotten his NYC vacation revealed to the world. Blair calls to bitch him out about blowing Louis's spot, but Dan assumes it's about reconnecting with Vanessa, so they meet up again for recriminations and a new plan to keep Louis in town... With Charlie stalking him the whole time. This episode is so fucking good! So the plan is that Dan and Blair will get caught making out at this Pink Party by some French person, and somehow this will solve the problem with Louis.
The French guy spots them, and all is well, but Charlie also got the whole thing on tape. While Blair "admits" she's dating Dan to her Bitches, Serena tells Louis that B lied to him in Paris too, and everything just goes to shit: Dan and Blair try to explain their whole secret relationship to Serena, and it sounds insane even to her -- because of course they are very much in love -- so she dumps them both, and brings the whole Blair Jealousy thing up, so Blair explains that they are friends not to screw Serena, but because Serena is retarded, and they both needed human conversation.
Once Anne doubles down on being mean to Lily, sending her running wild in the streets -- or at least far enough to summon and charm the cops into shutting the party down -- she decides staying in PRADA forever and rotting in Rufus's arms is finally enough for her, so they turn on all the gas jets and settle in.
Meanwhile, Blair manages to convince Louis, herself and the universe that she's in love with him, so he tosses his reputation and royal family to the wind and gets himself photographed kissing her among some really odd atmospheric effects, spurring Serena to call France or whatever and tattle on them.
Charlie goes to DUMBO and explains to Dan that he's in love with Blair, so they talk about that for a while... But awesomely, Charlie out-Vanessas Vanessa by letting him know she was the one that warned S in the first place, so he invites Charlie to hang out and dumps Vanessa for like the eighth time. It feels just as good as the first.
Next week: Louis's mom comes to town on a mission to murder Blair Waldorf, people propose marriage to other people, Chuck takes a Dr. Jekyll potion, and -- don't you worry -- tons of updates on Raina's whole mom situation.
Dorota: "Miss Blair, why you walk around in this one shoe for whole week? You permanently fuck up anterior longitudinal ligaments of spine!"
Blair: "Oh, Dorota. Help me get dressed for my date with Prince Louis! He sent me this shoe and a note. Where is Serena? She can help me dress. I need everybody putting stuff on me at once! Showtime, Synergy!"
Dorota: "Miss Serena reaffirming filial bonds at PRADA during Miss Lily's house arrest in wake of Pyrrhic victory over Russell Thorpe!"
Lily: "I am about this fucking close to getting a Snuggie and saying hell with it."
Rufus: "Essentially, that's what I did back in 1997 and let me tell you, it has been smooth sailing ever since."
Serena: "Mommy, look at my Pet Cousin! She ate two linzer tarts! I dressed her up like a Musketeer and then Carmen Miranda! This is way more fulfilling than college!"
Pet Cousin Charlie: "Rrrruff!"
Eric: "IfeelgreatnowthatI'mnotsuckingoffDamienDalgaardfordrugs! Nosleepaidsherenosir! I'mjustgoingwithoutsleepaltogether! Drankthreeespressos! Slappedabarista! What'veyoudonetodaythat'ssofuckinggreat?"
Lily, tipping her box of wine approvingly: "I'm glad to see you've adjusted to life without drug dealers. Self-medication is the Rhodes way."
Lily: "Kids, I'm too drunk to put away the one million tons of shit I supposedly bought off Gilt. Help me clean up before the Newpsies arrive to do gift bags for the Pink Party."
S & E: "Mom, the Newpsies aren't coming over. You're totally a pariah right now."
Lily: "Pretty sure that's not true! Mr. Wine, what do you say?"
Mr. Wine: "You're popular! And fun! You will never die! Shop more on the internet!"
Serena: "Eric, clean mom up. I have to use Pet Cousin as my lieutenant-slash-cannon fodder in a bizarre plot incited by Vanessa Abrams."
Eric: "...Okay, Lil. Arms up."
Rufus: "Thanks for supplying me and my wife with films to watch during our nine-month-long 'date.' I knew you were the one to come to, since you've heard of films."
Dan: "No problem."
Rufus: "Hey, would you like to come live at PRADA for the next nine months? It's going to be me and the entire Rhodes Women contingent and I just realized that and I feel a little faint because when Lily gets bored she gets mean and Serena secretly hates me and Eric treats me like his slow friend."
Dan: "Eric treats everybody that way. Not like it's unearned."
Rufus: "Especially in my case. Would you believe I think CBGB's still exists?"
(Dude, that is your theme song, Rufus. That's what they're putting on your tombstone, Rufus. That's what crawls under your name when the local news team interviews you at building fires, or events downtown: RUFUS HUMPHREY -- STILL BELIEVES IN CBGB'S.)
Dan: "Anyway but no, I have to stalk Prince Louis Grimaldi of the Monaco Grimaldis because some magazine in Paris reads the W blog [first of all] and enjoyed my incisive piece on [if you recall, this actually happened] 'How Friends Are Like Accessories' so much that they've hired me to stalk royalty and report back."
Rufus: "There is absolutely nothing suspicious about that."
Dan: "I know. Things just fall in my lap like this all the time. Although I'm a little stressed by how totally skeevy it is for me to go 100% TMZ out of nowhere like this."
Rufus: "Dan, morals and class aren't for us. They're for us to lecture others about, but when it comes down to it, we both know where we came from."
Dan: "Thanks for the talk!"