Wow, this episode was stellar! While pretty quality this season, the show hasn't been this much fun since that Juliet/Queens two-parter with the masks and Dan and Blair went motoring around the East Coast. Great music, Charlie's fitting right in, twists and turns and surveillance/propaganda/burlesque thematics aplenty, everybody gets a moment in the sun, Dan kicks Vanessa's teeth down her throat. It's all so awesome!

So while Lily's searching a well-known online shopping site for clothes that'll match a house arrest anklet -- and hoping her never-before-seen Newpsie friends will stick by her -- Serena's got Cousin Charlie stalking Dan and Blair to find out if Vanessa's eavesdropping has, as usual, fucked everything up for everybody.

Charlie spots B and Lonelyboy heading into Veselka, but it's not what they think: Prince Louis is media-shy, and Blair knows all the "secret" places from her Dan times -- and Dan's there tailing Louis for some journalism thing (which he immediately shirks). So when S surprises B on her princely date, you think shit is going to hit the fan, but S immediately clears it up. Nevertheless, Charlie stays on the case using Gossip Girl's creepy stalker technology. (And you would too -- Dan looks hot as shit the entire episode.)

Anne Archibald moves the Newpsie party out of Lily's house, in a rare display of bitchery, but with Rufus's not-quite-blessing and Eric's gleeful involvement, Serena uses a previously unmentioned Sapphic indiscretion to blackmail one of the Pink Party's co-chairs to move it back to Lily's house, so she can keep an eye on Blair and Charlie can flirt with Dan. (Serena rules this episode. Actually, everybody does.)

Raina and Nate talk for a hundred years about her exploded mom Avery, then hire a PI. Chuck can't quite manage to tell them how his dad blew her mom up, so after many warnings and misgivings, Chuck accompanies them to Jersey to meet the proposed Avery, who is not her mom after all. Chuck admits the truth to Nate, but surprisingly did not hire the fake mom -- he honestly wanted her to find her mom, aww. Anyway, Chuck's PI seems to think she really is dead, complete with video of her rushing into the burning building or whatever, but you know you can't trust this show.

Prince Louis gets the hammer from his parents, since Blair is not Modern Royalty and he's not supposed to be here, and B assumes that it's Dan's meddling that's gotten his NYC vacation revealed to the world. Blair calls to bitch him out about blowing Louis's spot, but Dan assumes it's about reconnecting with Vanessa, so they meet up again for recriminations and a new plan to keep Louis in town... With Charlie stalking him the whole time. This episode is so fucking good! So the plan is that Dan and Blair will get caught making out at this Pink Party by some French person, and somehow this will solve the problem with Louis.

The French guy spots them, and all is well, but Charlie also got the whole thing on tape. While Blair "admits" she's dating Dan to her Bitches, Serena tells Louis that B lied to him in Paris too, and everything just goes to shit: Dan and Blair try to explain their whole secret relationship to Serena, and it sounds insane even to her -- because of course they are very much in love -- so she dumps them both, and brings the whole Blair Jealousy thing up, so Blair explains that they are friends not to screw Serena, but because Serena is retarded, and they both needed human conversation.

Once Anne doubles down on being mean to Lily, sending her running wild in the streets -- or at least far enough to summon and charm the cops into shutting the party down -- she decides staying in PRADA forever and rotting in Rufus's arms is finally enough for her, so they turn on all the gas jets and settle in.

Meanwhile, Blair manages to convince Louis, herself and the universe that she's in love with him, so he tosses his reputation and royal family to the wind and gets himself photographed kissing her among some really odd atmospheric effects, spurring Serena to call France or whatever and tattle on them.

Charlie goes to DUMBO and explains to Dan that he's in love with Blair, so they talk about that for a while... But awesomely, Charlie out-Vanessas Vanessa by letting him know she was the one that warned S in the first place, so he invites Charlie to hang out and dumps Vanessa for like the eighth time. It feels just as good as the first.

Next week: Louis's mom comes to town on a mission to murder Blair Waldorf, people propose marriage to other people, Chuck takes a Dr. Jekyll potion, and -- don't you worry -- tons of updates on Raina's whole mom situation.