Dorota: "Miss Blair, why you walk around in this one shoe for whole week? You permanently fuck up anterior longitudinal ligaments of spine!"
Blair: "Oh, Dorota. Help me get dressed for my date with Prince Louis! He sent me this shoe and a note. Where is Serena? She can help me dress. I need everybody putting stuff on me at once! Showtime, Synergy!"
Dorota: "Miss Serena reaffirming filial bonds at PRADA during Miss Lily's house arrest in wake of Pyrrhic victory over Russell Thorpe!"
Lily: "I am about this fucking close to getting a Snuggie and saying hell with it."
Rufus: "Essentially, that's what I did back in 1997 and let me tell you, it has been smooth sailing ever since."
Serena: "Mommy, look at my Pet Cousin! She ate two linzer tarts! I dressed her up like a Musketeer and then Carmen Miranda! This is way more fulfilling than college!"
Pet Cousin Charlie: "Rrrruff!"
Eric: "IfeelgreatnowthatI'mnotsuckingoffDamienDalgaardfordrugs! Nosleepaidsherenosir! I'mjustgoingwithoutsleepaltogether! Drankthreeespressos! Slappedabarista! What'veyoudonetodaythat'ssofuckinggreat?"
Lily, tipping her box of wine approvingly: "I'm glad to see you've adjusted to life without drug dealers. Self-medication is the Rhodes way."
Lily: "Kids, I'm too drunk to put away the one million tons of shit I supposedly bought off Gilt. Help me clean up before the Newpsies arrive to do gift bags for the Pink Party."
S & E: "Mom, the Newpsies aren't coming over. You're totally a pariah right now."
Lily: "Pretty sure that's not true! Mr. Wine, what do you say?"
Mr. Wine: "You're popular! And fun! You will never die! Shop more on the internet!"
Serena: "Eric, clean mom up. I have to use Pet Cousin as my lieutenant-slash-cannon fodder in a bizarre plot incited by Vanessa Abrams."
Eric: "...Okay, Lil. Arms up."
Rufus: "Thanks for supplying me and my wife with films to watch during our nine-month-long 'date.' I knew you were the one to come to, since you've heard of films."
Dan: "No problem."
Rufus: "Hey, would you like to come live at PRADA for the next nine months? It's going to be me and the entire Rhodes Women contingent and I just realized that and I feel a little faint because when Lily gets bored she gets mean and Serena secretly hates me and Eric treats me like his slow friend."
Dan: "Eric treats everybody that way. Not like it's unearned."
Rufus: "Especially in my case. Would you believe I think CBGB's still exists?"
(Dude, that is your theme song, Rufus. That's what they're putting on your tombstone, Rufus. That's what crawls under your name when the local news team interviews you at building fires, or events downtown: RUFUS HUMPHREY -- STILL BELIEVES IN CBGB'S.)
Dan: "Anyway but no, I have to stalk Prince Louis Grimaldi of the Monaco Grimaldis because some magazine in Paris reads the W blog [first of all] and enjoyed my incisive piece on [if you recall, this actually happened] 'How Friends Are Like Accessories' so much that they've hired me to stalk royalty and report back."
Rufus: "There is absolutely nothing suspicious about that."
Dan: "I know. Things just fall in my lap like this all the time. Although I'm a little stressed by how totally skeevy it is for me to go 100% TMZ out of nowhere like this."
Rufus: "Dan, morals and class aren't for us. They're for us to lecture others about, but when it comes down to it, we both know where we came from."
Dan: "Thanks for the talk!"