Dan: "What? Not only does that literally make no sense, but also Serena is going to be at that party, and if she's not there [quote] everyone else in the world [unquote] will be at this party..."
Blair: "Okay, but we still cannot warn Serena, for some weird reason about how awkward it would be to explain we're going to secretly kiss or something."
Dan: "Start making sense, Waldorf."
Blair: "Chuck. Will have us murdered. If we tell anybody. Anything."
Dan: "Done. I will see you at the Pink Party."
Serena: "Mom should be watching It's A Wonderful Life, that cheerful movie about a doomed romance that ends in suicide and dystopia."
Eric: "Mom should get cathartic on her ass with The Godfather or Taxi Driver, because one thing Lily Humphrey likes to do is face her darker emotions and impulses. Anybody can tell you that."
Rufus: "Lily should watch Intolerance, because as a closet racist she's a huge DW Griffith fan."
Kids: "Hell are you talking about?"
Rufus: "I tried to use my 'pull' to get the Pink Party moved here to PRADA, but then it turns out that I have no 'pull' and never did except for briefly when I was a Newpsie for about five seconds and went around blithely leaving my scarf at fellow Newpsies' houses while they were giving your mom fake cancer."
Kids: "Wait, you honestly thought you had pull with anybody on the Upper East Side?"
Rufus: "I know. We Humphreys swallow that bitter pill regularly. If only we could move the Pink Party to CBGB's."
Serena: "If only it weren't a John Varvatos boutique. What year do you think it is, Rufus? Who's the president right now? Eric, check his pupils. This could be the big one."
Eric: "How about we blackmail that one Newpsie that grabbed your boob in the Ladies' last year at the Pink Party?"
Serena: "Bubbles Macintosh [not a joke, a real name they said on the show]? I'm not doing that. That was epically bad decision-making on my part, and it ended in yet another coke-fueled threesome wherein I killed a person."
Rufus: "You know, speaking as a self-righteous Humphrey, I'm totally against blackmail..."
Kids: "We know. God."
Rufus: "...Especially since this might also qualify as a hate crime."
Serena: "No, she was a pretty good kisser."
Rufus: "But. Speaking as a huge hypocrite, make the call."
Raina: "Hey, Chuck! My private investigator found a lead on my mom. She's a waitress in New Jersey."
Chuck: "Can I come with? Having recently gotten my head twisted all the way around by a fake-real-fake-real mom of my own, I am probably the only person in the history of all life on this planet with insight into what you're going through."
Raina: "Well, that's true."
(They both hope, very hard, that this is actually her mom. It's sweet and a little sad. And very fascinating to watch.)
Nate: "Hey, can I come?"
Blair: "So you remember the plan? We hide in the butler's pantry, then make out when Louis tells us to. Lucien will catch us, and then..."
Dan: "Waldorf, don't belabor this nonsensical plan. The more you talk about it, the more ridiculous it will appear to the audience. You're hanging a literary earring on a narrative hairy mole right now."
Blair: "Bad news, they just changed the Pink Party to PRADA."
Dan: "I am not making out with you in Lily's butler's pantry. My Dad will be there, and Lily and Eric, and my sister-lover Serena."
Blair: "Then they won't catch us. Come on, what could go wrong with this plan?"
Dan: "Everything. Every detail of this plan will go wrong. Obviously."
Blair, secretly: "Look. I just want a reason to make out with you. How complicated is that? This gives us plausible, even royal, deniability."
Dan, secretly: "That's why I'm going along with it. Plus, I really get off on hurting Serena. That is one thing about me that will never change."