Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Blush & Bashful, Or: Game Of Scones

PINK PRADA PARADISE

Olympia Dukakis Lookalike: (Stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, smiling hugely at nobody, then the director waves at her from offscreen and she nods to herself, and then peas-and-carrotses her way across the entire set, crossing in front of Charlie, talking to nobody, very animatedly, and it is totally amazing. She's gotta be somebody's mom or something, that was adorable. Sometimes extras really are the "extra" bit that makes things special.)

Charlie: "That lady off-camera has big earrings! Almost as giant as my giant face!"
Serena: "Her husband fucked the au pair. I don't even know whether that's true, I'm just corrupting you as quickly as possible with the words that come out of my mouth. I'm sort of jaded and weird today."
Charlie: "I noticed. So what do we do when Blair and Dan get here? Run up and just start slapping, or..."
Serena: "No. I have this idea in my head out of nowhere that they're going to sneak off and make out in my mom's butler's pantry."
Charlie: "Well. Sure."

Serena: "See, when you're as slutty as I'm going to turn you, that's the thrill of the romance, the sneaking-around part."
Charlie: "I'll remember that when I'm giving Dan a handy in the butler's pantry about five seconds from now. Do you honestly think I'm this retarded?"
Serena: "Insofar as I've thought about it, yes. Anyway, the plan is for you to catch them in the act and then upload the video to Gossip Girl."
Charlie: "Which proves what, exactly? What is the effect you wish you create?"
Serena: "I'm just sort of winging it. Being a control-freak bitch toward my closest friends is something sort of new for me."
Charlie: "So just your basic chaos and social ruin?"
Serena: "You're learning!"
Charlie: "This place is grosssssss. I loooooove it."

Louis: "Thanks for going to these lengths to... Whatever is the goal here."
Blair: "Listen, it's no skin off my ass. Chances are I'd be making out with Dan at this point regardless, if you hadn't shown up. All Roads Lead To Rome, et cetera."
Louis: "Wait, what?"
Blair: "I mean, I'll suffer through somehow."

Team Lily: (Congratulate themselves on using blackmail and Serena's terrible judgment to force a social coup, as though that won't bite them on the ass in three, two...)
Herd of Pink Newpsie Bitches: (Walk by, Greek-chorusing about how Lily is a criminal who blackmailed the whole group into pretending to be her friends.)
Team Lily: "Oh, we fucked up. We should not have let Serena do this."

Plastics: (Think momentarily that the boy might be this one guy, whom one of the other ones thinks of as her own boyfriend despite the fact that all she did was jack him off at Greenhouse.)
ibid., clearly not scenting danger: "Serena! Do you know who Blair's secret boyfriend is?"
Serena, putting her lengthy training in the PR world to use: "No, but I can't wait to find out, hopefully via visual proof, on Gossip Girl, in about ten minutes."
Blair: "Bitches, back up so I can tell Serena in private. In the middle of this huge party."

Blair: "Charlie, you can stay since we're still not sure if you speak English. Serena, my boyfriend is Prince Louis Grimaldi of Monaco."
Serena: "Then how come you aren't hanging all over him?"
Blair: "Because I'm a commoner, I don't have time to explain it."
Serena: "Oh, look. Dan in a Paul Smith tie. I wonder who bought it for him?"
Blair: "I stopped listening when you said his name. Later!"

Serena: "That bitch."
Charlie: "Wait, but wait. Why are we mad now?"
Serena: "I gave her the chance to say that she brought Dan to the party!"
Charlie: "But she told you that she was dating Louis. Who came to this country to see her. And with whom she was on a date earlier today, like I told you ten times..."
Serena: "-- Hearsay!"

Charlie: "And so but your family lives here. Dan being here isn't proof of anything. Except maybe that he got hungry in DUMBO."
Serena: "You're never gonna get it, are you? Look, go over there and try to fuck Dan."
Charlie: "Wait, again, wait. What?"
Serena: "Go flirt with Dan. My ex-boyfriend, your cousin? My brother? Go see if you can getcha some. Go on and get you a little piece of that."

Charlie: "Even by your twisted rules I don't understand what you're doing right now."
Serena: "I know, I'm outta control! There's a part of me inside my head, watching all of this go down, and it's just sort of in awe? But unable to speak."
Charlie: "That's how I felt when I murdered all of those college kids after becoming obsessed with my freshman roommate."
Serena: "...Wait, what?"
Charlie: "Okay, I'm off! Wish me luck!"

JERSEY

The Wrong Avery Thorpe: "I've never had a child. It's not that I didn't want one, just wasn't in God's plan. I'm so sorry, but I'm not the woman you're looking for."
Raina: "You were right. It was a mistake to look."
Chuck: "I love how black people believe in God. It's so cute. Or maybe it's people in New Jersey. Whichever it is, I am loving it."

Raina: "As far as I'm concerned, my mother is dead."
Chuck: "As far as I'm concerned, your mother is totally dead."

PRADA

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Gossip Girl

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