Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A
Blush & Bashful, Or: Game Of Scones


Blair: "Have you seen Prince Louis?"
Eric, verbatim: "I don't know who that is. Have you seen my mother?"
Lily: (Rides in on a white horse; whipping the peasants with her riding crop; is somehow triumphant despite the fact that this is social suicide from every possible perspective.)
Mr. Wine: "That was a very good start."


Rufus: "I'm sorry blackmailing that woman for molesting our daughter didn't work out for you."
Lily: "Well, it was sweet of you to try. And honestly, I'm in such denial all the time that I actually needed Anne Archibald to say that shit to my face. Now I know I am all alone and I can officially give up, on every level. Hand me that Snuggie."
Rufus: "Yessss! This is going to be the best nine months of all time!"

Mr. Wine: "Rufus Humphrey is enjoyable company!"


Charlie: "Hey, I followed you here based on the scent of your sweater to apologize for taping you on the orders of my insane cousin. That was a creepster move, so now I have stalked you to Brooklyn to apologize for it."
Dan: "Charlie, I have ninety-nine problems. Don't sweat it."

Charlie: "I think that you are actually in love with Blair Waldorf."
Dan: "Having just met you and been stalked and betrayed by you all day, I just feel comfortable talking to you about my innermost thoughts. I think you might be right about me being in love with Blair Waldorf."
Charlie: "Will you still love her when I have scarred her face to unrecognizability?"
Dan: "Um, what?"
Charlie: "I said, Blame Vanessa. She was the one that told Serena about Kiss #1."
Dan: "Good thing I already stood her up. If I see that girl I am going to be so mean to her. Like always. Hey, I just realized I don't have any friends, or girls in my life, as of today. Do you want to stick around? Maybe go through my stuff, or pretend to be carrying my baby? My experience with girls is somewhat limited."


Louis: "Hey, just so we're on the same page, are you in love with Dan Humphrey!"
Blair: "It was a ruse!"
Louis: "Serena van der Woodsen seemed to think otherwise."
Blair: "Serena van der Woodsen once mistook a hubcap for pants. I wouldn't stress."
Louis: "So even though you've dating two other guys in just a couple of months, both of whom are the love of your life, are you sure I'm the love of your life?"
Blair: "Louis, of all the people in the world that I barely know, you're at the top of the list."
Louis: "Then let us declare our love by kissing for the paps just outside of this limo, while the lights all do some spangly, sort of creepy princessy effect."
Blair: "Showtime, Synergy!"


Serena: "Salut, Jean-Michel! It's Serena, remember? That girl that Blair pushed in the fountain in Paris for not flirting at all with the guy whose car you drive, when you're not pretending to be each other? Well, I was just thinking about you and wondering what you're up to, still chauffeuring? Oh, you say you're indentured to the Royal Family of Monaco and could be shot for leaving the compound after curfew? Well, what are the rules for Skyping? I need some kind of information to ruin my friend Blair's life..."


Vanessa: "Hey, Dan. For novelty's sake I used the front door instead of climbing in through the vents or the plumbing or shattering a back window like usual."
Dan: "Good. I wanted to give you a speech."
Vanessa: "Can I just say that actually, my motivation last episode made total sense?"
Dan: "It always does, Abrams. But I reserve the right to spit at you either way."
Vanessa, verbatim: "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I honestly thought something must be very wrong, if you were kissing Blair Waldorf. And since you weren't talking to me, I thought you might listen to Serena."
Dan: "Thus proving that there's literally nothing you could say that would change my mind, because that makes total sense, I will now deliver my mean and oh-so-Dan speech."

Vanessa, I know we've been friends since we were little, and we both like pierogies, and my Dad really misses you, but just to be clear so there's no misunderstanding down the road: We are not friends anymore.

Charlie: "Hey Dan, are you okay?"
Dan: "I am totally fine. Kicking Vanessa around is sort of what we do when we're feeling down."
Charlie: "Are these your hairs in this hairbrush?"
Dan: "Yeah."
Charlie: "And is this the toothbrush you use?"
Dan: "Yeah, how come?"
Charlie: "No reason! I'm just making a little doll with all your hair and anointed with any of your bodily fluids that I can find around the loft or acquire easily, then later on I'll put it on an altar and burn things in front of it, and say little prayers and stuff."
Dan: "Cool, whatever. Wanna watch a pretentious movie? Generally girls realize I'm a bad bet after like three dates or so, so I want to make you watch as many pretentious movies as possible before you realize that's what I'm all about."

Charlie: "That's crazy! I'm all about pretentious movies too!"
Dan: "My favorite is The 400 Blows."
Charlie: "That's crazy! My favorite is that same movie!"

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Gossip Girl




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