"Time Won't Let Me Go," by my second-favorite band of the last five years The Bravery, is playing at Rufus's gallery, so I bet we'll see the uptight WASP that Rufus secretly loves at this point, and she'll be from history. Will she be a Cherry Valance? Or more like a Regina George? I've got my fingers crossed for Lily van der Woodsen, but I'm not magical or psychic like Jenny Humphrey: I've just seen TV a time or two before. Plus, they are the two most attractive people on the television program we're watching, so it would be fun to watch them make out. Or, as it turns out, to have awkward chemistry and fakey-seeming history. "Lily. Shopping for some art to match your furniture?" chuckles Rufus archly, because he's superior and obnoxious sometimes. "Why is my daughter going to one of your concerts?" blurts Lily, because sometimes she's refreshingly direct. "Because we're awesome?" asks Rufus, because he's adorable sometimes. When she tells him Serena is going to Lincoln Hawk with Dan, Rufus's pride in his son is, like, over the top, but he admits they were bound to meet; it's a small island. What would be funny is if they were related, but I don't think this show is that crazy. Yet. Lily suggests the possibility that he's using her daughter to get to her, now that his wife has left him (the wife's name is Allison, which brings horrible fears of Courtney Thorne-Smith), about which Lily has learned via the same "small-island" technology.
Rufus accuses her of doing the same thing in reverse, and Lily scoffs unconvincingly, so Rufus brings up some confusing dialogue I still don’t understand about finding her in the back of a Nine Inch Nails bus getting, I believe, eaten out by Trent Reznor. A more horrific fate I cannot imagine, but things were different in the '90s. It was a very dark time. Rufus then totally defames her reputation by saying she moved from Trent to Layne (a downward spiral if ever; the man looked like a heroin-addicted version of those Brownies from that movie Willow) and thence to Perry! My archnemesis! He named his children Hezron Wolfgang and Izzadore Bravo. Who the fuck does that? Oh, I hate him so bad. Lily, what on earth is wrong with you? Trent I can see. But Layne and Perry? That makes me want to barf. Did they just pick '90s rock stars out of a hat? Because what I see before me, in the person of Rufus Humphrey, is nothing so bad as those things. I want to love you, Lily, but let me tell you that the Perry Farrell thing...this is not a story about your daughter's redemption. This about you making it up to me. So Rufus is like, "And then you started going for billionaires." She totally scoffs and then calls his band washed-up and his art gallery "crappy" and "so-called." Whoa, girl. "Not all of us have settlements from multiple divorces to sustain us," hisses Rufus, and Lily takes off, ordering him to stay out of her life. It's all very sexy and sly, even though the actual dialogue is pretty harsh, and anyway, I don't think he's going to, do you? Where's Gossip Girl when you need her?