Gossip Girl
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Chivalry Is Dead But You're Still Kinda Cute

"Back To Black" is playing at the Palace, where Blair and Serena are having their momentary détente. I like that song, but the part about the tiny penny rolling up the wall gives me the creeps. Blair's telling Serena about how her dad left Eleanor for another man, causing her to lose 15 pounds and get an eyelift. "It's been good for her," Blair says with a mixture of schadenfreude and "Did I fucking blow your mind just now?" Serena protests that she's sorry about...everything, actually, but starting with the divorce, and Blair notes that this seemed to have no effect on Serena's total communication embargo over the last year. That's rough. Serena coughs and splutters, but Blair is all about the horrible moment last year when she called the van der Woodsens' and Lily was like, "Serena didn't tell you? That she moved to Connecticut?" Yeah, that would suck. Serena begs for Blair's trust, but they're both obviously admitting that that's a tall order. Blair says she can't trust Serena, because she doesn't even know her anymore, and Serena decides to change the subject to a really inadvisable nosh on her Manolos. "I saw you at school with Kati and Iz, and I get it. I don't want to take any of that away from you." Blair, rightly, calls this some condescending bullshit, and Serena once again apologizes. Serena is terrible at this!

S nearly cries some more and begs B to just go back to how things were: walking to school together, dancing on tables at Bungalow, fending off constant rape attempts from their friends, night swimming at Eleanor's country house... "You were like my sister," she exclaims, which kind of gets Blair right in the place where her heart would normally be. "With our families, we need each other." Blair's very reluctantly falling for it: "Well. You missed some classic Eleanor Waldorf meltdowns. If it wasn't such a tragedy, it would've been funny. Actually, it kind of was." They laugh and then fiddle around for awhile, and agree to be okay. Then Blair has to go fuck Nate, so Serena calls her "B" and tells her she loves her, and B reciprocates re: S, and they split up amicably. Blair breaks the hug, choking down all the issues and stuff. Gossip Girl is not fooled, though, as Serena slurps some liquor down. "Why so thirsty, S? You may have won over B for now, but we still think you're hiding something."

Back at Chez Humphrey, Jenny sews while "Space For Rent" by Who Made Who is quietly playing. It's that slutty, dirty cobrasnake kind of Danish sound, like, after you get double-teamed by the nice Eurotrash you'll end up at the Elite Hunting Hostel in Bratislava. In other words, perfect for this show. Dan comes creeping out of his hiding place and Jenny makes fun of him, then exposits: "Come on, Dan. Serena said hi to you at a ninth-grade birthday party, and you've never forgotten it." That is...so stupidly Seth. Dan stumbles and fumbles and bumbles and crushes, and Jenny's like, "Also, she's totally nice and cool." Nice nod to Serena's famous bad-girl history that is the gas in the engine of this show, that we never ever see. I better see some Samantha Who?-style bitchy flashbacks before too long, because the show doesn't even make basic sense unless Serena is A) a bitch in the historical context and B) fighting it in the present day. Because staring out of vehicle windows like you're chock full of Xanax is an enjoyable pursuit, and God knows I've spent some emotionally fragile hours making that face out of a variety of windows in my time, but that's not a character, it's an annoying neurotic way to get through boring car rides. How come everybody keeps mentioning The O.C. and nobody's mentioning Manchester Prep? Because that's actually the spiritual antecedent here.

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Gossip Girl

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