Gossip Girl
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Chivalry Is Dead But You're Still Kinda Cute

Rufus accuses her of doing the same thing in reverse, and Lily scoffs unconvincingly, so Rufus brings up some confusing dialogue I still don’t understand about finding her in the back of a Nine Inch Nails bus getting, I believe, eaten out by Trent Reznor. A more horrific fate I cannot imagine, but things were different in the '90s. It was a very dark time. Rufus then totally defames her reputation by saying she moved from Trent to Layne (a downward spiral if ever; the man looked like a heroin-addicted version of those Brownies from that movie Willow) and thence to Perry! My archnemesis! He named his children Hezron Wolfgang and Izzadore Bravo. Who the fuck does that? Oh, I hate him so bad. Lily, what on earth is wrong with you? Trent I can see. But Layne and Perry? That makes me want to barf. Did they just pick '90s rock stars out of a hat? Because what I see before me, in the person of Rufus Humphrey, is nothing so bad as those things. I want to love you, Lily, but let me tell you that the Perry Farrell thing...this is not a story about your daughter's redemption. This about you making it up to me. So Rufus is like, "And then you started going for billionaires." She totally scoffs and then calls his band washed-up and his art gallery "crappy" and "so-called." Whoa, girl. "Not all of us have settlements from multiple divorces to sustain us," hisses Rufus, and Lily takes off, ordering him to stay out of her life. It's all very sexy and sly, even though the actual dialogue is pretty harsh, and anyway, I don't think he's going to, do you? Where's Gossip Girl when you need her?

Jenny stands in front of the mirror at home with Dan, all, "We are variously going to Lincoln Hawk with Serena, or getting raped at Kiss On The Lips! We are so cool now!" She doesn't look very cool when she says it, but that's nothing quite as uncool as when Rufus sliiiides on into the picture all, "Oh, my God, my daughter's a woman!" and then tells her how much she looks like her mother. I'm so done with this scene. Jenny's so cute and it's really neat to watch all these different people tell her how pretty she is, because she gets to do the lip-biting ankle-dip of awkwardness every time, and that is a thing for which I am a sucker.

So here's another one just like it where Eleanor is clawing her way up Blair's ass for no real good reason, all, "Try on this dress! Try on this other dress! Take off the dress you like and wear a dress you don't like! It is a more elegant choice! I love you! You will never be more beautiful or thin or happy than you are right now! But you are also fat and ugly! Take advantage of this time by enjoying yourself! But also put some product in your hair! The ends are dry!" Blair comes down with yet another case of wry bulimia, and then there's a big montage of people going to the dance or not going to the dance, depending on if they are Dan and Serena or other people. This equals drunken drug use and drinking and lots of gowns in the limo, and Blair and Nate looking effed over, by and large. At the Palance, Dan is wearing a Tom Baker scarf that is eighteen miles long, staring up at Serena all dewy, and being nervous.

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Gossip Girl

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