Gossip Girl
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 3 USERS: A+
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Chivalry Is Dead But You're Still Kinda Cute

Dan and Serena enter KOTL, and this part's awesome, because everybody at the party starts whispering scandalously and texting furiously about how Serena's there, she's been spotted, she's "so brave" for wearing the gold dress with a denim jacket, she's not invited, but now she's here, et cetera. But my question for you, dear reader, is this: Whom are they texting? Each other? I mean, my family text each other from across the room all the time, but this is like a mad cacophonous orgy of texting going on here, in a continuous loop around the room, and the only person not getting the updates is Blair, this time, so she can stare madly at the uninvited guests, accuse Nate of inviting Serena to the party when the guy can barely tie his own shoes, and then run around madly. He's like, "You're not really going to kick her out, are you?" Blair orders him not to talk to her, and Serena and Blair do some serious staring.

The rape continues while Dan and Serena wander about at random, and finally decide to go upstairs, where it's all desolate and creepy. While Dan is whining that this is pointless, Serena notes the completely perceptive fact that with all this texting and blogging and telephony and whatever else the kids are doing these days, they could have just called somebody from across town to try and get some protection for Jenny going while they ran toward the party. No, I'm kidding. Nobody points that out. Instead, Serena sees Chuck's totally stupid scarf lying on the stairs, increasing their haste and exciting the music further. Soon enough they get to the roof, grab Chuck off Jenny, and Dan starts punching him while Serena stands idly nearby. Chuck is confused by all the ruckus until Dan reminds him who he is again, and points out that Jenny is his little sister. Like logically that will make a difference: "Oh, sorry! I didn't realize she was your sister and you're a schoolmate of mine! My bad." Like if a tree gets raped in the woods and doesn't text her big brother, did she really get raped? And the answer is no, not if the guy is rich enough, which is why you should carry a gun to Kiss On The Lips, and why you should not go to the roof with Chuck and drink his devil champagne. Dan and the girls take off and Serena finally says something along the lines of how Chuck shouldn't rape Jenny henceforth, but Chuck's all, "Your life is over, slut! Don't forget, I know everything!" Which...congratulations, Gossip Girl, the "everything" that you know is the same "everything" that everybody else now knows, so good luck blackmailing her for no real reason except that you're a six-foot gay pink sabretooth tiger, wearing a detachable collar and stripper cuffs, going "Heavens to Murgatroyd! Exit stage left!"

Downstairs, Jenny's recovering from the experience, and Serena and Dan climb into a cab to take her home. That Angels & Airwaves song plays again, only this time it's about protecting Jenny and not Eric, but also about Dan's huge crush on Serena blooming full, which is kind of nice if you think about it, because what you've got are two freshman types whose innocence is endangered by these shitty people's shitty lives in the most graphic ways, and you've got our two kids, basically in loco parentis, bonding over protecting that innocence, while trying to maintain/recover their own. All linked by this song. It's interesting that beyond some yogurt jokes and the occasional thrown platter, the only people who pay for anything in this entire episode are the two people whose only crimes were to themselves, because they didn't know any better. I wasn't buying Serena-as-hero through most of it, because I am in love with Blair Waldorf, but thematically I think it's so, so awesome that she's part of the only actively protective duo in the whole place. Saving Jenny, she saves herself, and by saving Eric, she saves her family, which is inextricably tied to Dan's in all kinds of interesting ways. Anyway, neat song. Blair's not impressed by any of this.

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Gossip Girl

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