Spotted on the steps of the Met: an S and B power struggle. Blair gives in, offering a half hour. Did S think she could waltz home and things would be just like they were? Serena thanks her for "making the time," and Blair spits "You're my best friend!" with a radiant, maudlin smile on her face. I live for this shit! Did B think S would go down without a fight? Or can these two hotties work it out? There's nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a good catfight, and this could be a classic! I take issue with that one, Gossip Girl. "Can these two hotties work it out?" In what fucking universe... Never mind. Screw it. That was awesome! They're both really good at playing love/hate/fear/power the whole time. I was first impressed by Blair in this capacity, but on re-watch it occurs to me Serena could probably take her.
"99 Percent" by Mooney Suzuki is the closest they can get this century to "Brown Sugar," I guess, which just about describes the queasy way they have to make Rufus both uncool and totally old, but also totally cool and un-old. Like this scene now, where violently sexy Rufus and his stupid poor-person son Dan are hanging up flyers for his famous if slightly Where Are They Now? band, see, but then his stupid son has to explain to him what MySpace is. Like, you can have one or the other but you can't have both, especially if it forces awkwardness like having to watch Penn Badgely say the words "Save some trees, have a blog" without vomiting. No less effed up is Rufus's knee-jerk response that means like nothing at all except that it's a label printed out on plastic and stamped on his forehead that says "Moderately Liberal But No More Incisive Than Anybody Else": "Maybe if musicians got off their blogs and picked up their guitars, the music business would be in better shape!" I'm serious: tell me what the fuck that means. "Maybe if you got off the telephone and started playing the tambourine, this soufflé wouldn't have fallen!" Dan gets an emergency text from Jenny and has to take off, but first they have a brief and awkward talk about how Dan's mom's a "free spirit" which is why Rufus fell in love with her, which also is meaningless because it's not like we've never seen this character before: Rufus doesn't love free spirits, he loves uptight WASPs. Obviously. This isn't my first Aging Rocker Still Holding Onto His Ideals And Childlike Spirit In The Face Of Crippling Disappointment & Adult Responsibilities rodeo.
Serena comes sweeping into Eric's hospital room. Is she wearing a scarf? Surprisingly, no. I forgot to tell you: anytime there's a sentence with a subject and a predicate, go ahead and impute a scarf or two in there. The scarf madness on this show, I am telling you. And it's only a plot point once! So many scarves, doing so little. Although I guess all a scarf has to do is be lovely. Not so Serena: she also has to kidnap! Whom? Eric. Why? Because she had a bad day and needs Bendel's therapy. Eric -- who I thought was young furniture until the premiere, when Connor Paolo offered to punch Zac Efron in the face, earning my eternal devotion -- points out that as the self-harming victim of their class, he has also had a day. They gave him pills, Rorschach tests, and green Jell-O. Serena giggles and makes a funny face: "Mmm! Why didn't you save me any?" She starts getting him together for the getaway, defusing the suicide bummer part and commencing the heist with a very fun, breezy, conspiratorial air that made me very homesick for my siblings. Did you know I have five brothers and three sisters? You'd never tell, because I'm as self-obsessed and control-freaky as any only child, but it's true. Serena and Eric bounce.