Gossip Girl
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Chivalry Is Dead But You're Still Kinda Cute

Dan arrives at Bendel's in response to the emergency text from his sister, but the emergency in question is fashion-related. He complains about how he's been to a big dance zero times more than her zero times, but it's awesome: "Yeah, but Mom's gone, and Dad's allergic to department stores." Hee! "So basically, you're like the only mother I have left. You're my mother with a Justin Timberlake haircut. You're my TimberMommy." He tells her she looks good, and she does look good, and she's fourteen in real life, because everybody is really close to their actor ages on this show. "Too bad it's more than our rent, but I think I can sew something like it," she says, all full of bullshit. Your rent is thousands of dollars, Jenny. Please get real and stop showing off. Jenny spots Serena and squeals like a golden retriever on six espressos, and Serena and Eric come on over. Dan vanishes immediately, because of true love. Eric, because being called Serena's "brother" would be too embarrassing, introduces himself instead as her "stylist and personal shopper." Do they even have gay in New York? I was given to understand that it was an epidemic. But then why... Maybe it's the East Coast version of how everybody is getting their faces fucked with to look like Ally McBeal, even though that's so scary? Maybe it's a new way of playing hard-to-get, like, if Jenny thinks that Eric is gay, she will pursue him, and then...I don't know what, they're little kids. He's got highlights. Maybe that's why every dude on this show acts so gay all the time: to get chicks. Maybe they let Mystery at them. Anyway, Jenny gives Serena another invitation to Kiss On The Lips, which she made during free period, and Serena's touched, so she offers the fashion advice that TimberMommy cannot: "That dress would look even better in black." Check. Serena does grateful and affectionate really well. I like it, even though in the books she was just this careless monster who destroyed people without even trying. Could still be, I guess. I like both. The books aren't known for their, like, nuanced characters.

Nate and Chuck Bass get high in Central Park, and Nate's complaining about how Eleanor's going away, which will leave him alone with Blair and her sudden voracious need for sex. Chuck offers either Viagra or Paxil, or both, and notes that "Nathaniel" is acting like he's headed to his execution. See? This is all very Mystery, you know? From that other show where the ugly homosexual teaches other ugly homosexuals to abuse women, while wearing a succession of ridiculous hats. Only here, it's scarves. So after calling his buddy "Nathaniel," also kind of gay, Chuck bottom-lines it for him, how Nate and Blair have been dating forever, so how come now there's a problem? Nate thinks that this is a pretext to explain his sole dimension, which is that his dad wants him to go to Dartmouth, so he talks about that for awhile, how their whole lives have been planned out for them and they're going to end up exactly like their parents. However, Nate is wrong, because he knows the real deal, or rather several of them: he's trying to get Nate to admit that it has to do with Serena, because he knows more about Nate and Serena and their mutual thing than anybody, including Nate and Serena. Plus, he knows that this whole identity-crisis bollocks is never the actual deal, because go write poems in your stupid journal like Dan: the true problem here is that you are worried that you're settling for Blair. And you kind of are, but not quite as bad as she's settling for you. Chuck calls this whole Matrix Revolutions concept about repeating and accreting our parents' mistakes unendingly kind of dark, but scoffs at Nate's assertion that that they are, as a generation, "entitled to choose" and "just to be happy." Like anybody's entitled to that, you pansy. "Easy, Socrates. What we're entitled to is a trust fund, maybe a house in the Hamptons, a prescription drug problem. But happiness does not seem to be on the menu, so smoke up and seal the deal with Blair, because you're also entitled to tap that ass." Seriously! This rapist has the right idea!

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