Gossip Girl
Poison Ivy

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
For "College Of Choice," You Put "Ninja"?

Blair excuses herself to head back to the future she still has, and Serena grits out some tears and takes off. Dan comes running up and tells her he knows how she did all this to protect Eric, again, and that he thinks she's very cool, again, and promises not to tell anybody about Eric. Which this whole episode, everybody keeps doing, while Serena spends the whole time saying Eric shouldn't be a secret, but then she ends up stepping in and ruining herself to...keep him a secret. This show is as ambivalent about disclosure as High School Musical, and let me tell you: if we're comparing your plotline to High School Musical, we're in trouble. Although a group dancing sequence would not go awry, because it never, ever does. Come on, "heightened reality"! Time for group dancing! Dan offers to "talk" or "not talk," at Serena's discretion, should she ever feel the need to do one or the other of those things. So I guess she's somehow redeemed herself in his eyes: "Oh, now that I realize you are a living person with a family that has issues, I can overlook your tainted beauty." So now we're paralleling Dan's stupid love affairs with both Nate and Serena against the inevitable (if ambiguous and not exactly breathlessly anticipated) Serena/Blair makeup scene. Turns out everybody's family is fucked up, so people can do any shitty thing they want to you, and it's okay, because their family is in crisis. Good to know.

Lily tries to bustle Eric out of there lest somebody else realize he exists, but he tells her it's time to go explain some shit to somebody. Somebody named Blair! I was like, "This is where Eric gets awesome or ends up just another van der Woodsen." He chooses Option A. "Blair, can I talk to you? It'll just take a moment..." He takes her into a corner and starts explaining, but Blair affectionately blows him off: "Eric, you've always been a sweet kid, and I can understand you trying to protect your sister..." When he finally gets to finish the sentence, she's not buying: "I've never even seen you take a drink!" she says, which made me laugh for some reason. I guess because I called off my long-planned engagement to Drew Barrymore when I was six and saw the ads for Firestarter and realized she was way too freaky to settle down with, and I've never really recovered, so tweener drunks are like hilarious to me still. He flashes his scar at Blair, who twitches appropriately and tries to apologize, but Eric's outta there with his bad self. Gossip Girl wonders if Blair's going to use this as "ammunition," or if she's going to "finally surrender and put down her arms," and she tells Chuck she's not doing anything else cool today. Let slip the dogs of war, Blair! Don't let me down! Or let's look into ruining Dan, how about that?

Dan and Rufus have another one of those adorable Creepy Williamsburg Family Fun scenes in their beautiful apartment that's like Brenda Hampton is standing just off-camera with a gun, forcing them to act like sweetie pies in some other more boring, pointless, crappy show. There's not even anything to say about it, as usual: Rufus is all, "We are men and we don't talk about our feelings," and he's wrong on both counts to like a criminal degree and then Dan's like, "Actually, that's all we do is talk about our feelings and wear makeup," and Rufus is all, "I'm not like a regular dad, I'm a cool dad!" and Dan's like, "Thanks for that shitty Refreshment Committee job, I know I should be more grateful when you do crappy embarrassing stuff like that," and Rufus is like, "I will never let my poverty or lack of breeding stop you from reaching the highest echelons of American learning and power, except for how I just checked my Dayrunner for the last forty years and it turns out I already did those things, but I still believe in you in a vague and undefined way that means nothing except that you need to be working for yourself in order to get the things that I have failed to give you, which you should have been doing anyway, as a human being," and Dan's like, "But how can I try or work hard when other people have advantages I do not have?" and then Rufus makes a joke that isn't funny and Dan tells him the joke's not that funny but they both laugh anyway and Brenda Hampton is like, "Yes. This is what families are like."

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Gossip Girl




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