It's no secret that Serena van der Woodsen is a hoss; I believe in that movie about the evil Pants, she played the jock. Which makes it all the more confusing that, confronted by the five-nothing china doll that is Blair Waldorf, she would give such a weak defense. But then that's Serena's whole problem, I think: weak defense instead of going on the offense, which is why guilt is a growth you should have surgically removed whenever it appears. Vide Serena, apologizing to Blair for sleeping with Nate as Blair is endlessly high-sticking and low-sticking and ramblefrazzing her with her hockey stick. The umpire or ombudsman or whatever, I don't claim to know hockey, keeps blowing the whistle and holding up different-colored flags as Serena gets more and more bruised, but does Blair care? She does not. At one point Serena's like, "That eighth time? I really want to believe that was a mistake," and Blair's like, "Then you're kind of a retard," and Serena's all, "Enough is enough!" and Blair's like, "My vengeance is a neverending wave of destruction that doesn't understand this word 'enough.'" Serena's like, "Can't we be friends?" I'm sorry, Serena, did one of those fouls get you in the head? Because we've entered a realm where there isn't quarter, but she keeps asking for quarter, and I don't get it. The proper response to somebody hitting you over and over is not to ask for less hitting, it's to... Oh, there she goes. Nice.
And the whole time, will.i.am is singing about how if her mama's pretty, she's going to be pretty like her mama, but if her mama's real ugly, she's going to be real ugly like her mama, which I love, because: check it out. If her mama secretly likes poor guys with liberal superiority complexes while serial-monogamifying with the uber-rich, chances are that she's going to secretly like poor guys with liberal superiority complexes while serial-monogamifying with the uber-rich; and if her mama gets deserted by her husband for a male model after twenty years of marriage and has nothing to show for it but an eating disorder and no lack of emotional abuse to heap on those around her, then I guarantee that Nate is going to sleep with Chuck sooner rather than later. See? That's DNA. Thanks, will.i.am!
So Serena's beating hell out of Blair but not really that hard, but the whole time she's like, "Make me stop hitting you! Make me stop hitting you! Be my friend!" and finally they get her off Blair and she's like, "Again. Truce?" And Blair gives that little smile, you know the one, and starts screaming, clutching at her leg. Nice. Nice! The coach or whatever, the hockey-sport pedagogue, is like, "Serena, you're out of here!" And then Kati and Isabel help Blair off the field, and it's important to note which leg she is favoring, and I will tell you that it is her RIGHT leg. Gossip Girl gets off her one great line of the night: "Hey, Upper East Siders. We hear that World War III just broke out, and it's wearing knee socks!"