Gossip Girl
Poison Ivy

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
For "College Of Choice," You Put "Ninja"?

Dan comes screeching out of the hallway and straight into, somehow, the courtyard of Constance Billard, where Serena is blindly wandering, once again. I guess they're one of those schools that are actually the same school but pretend they aren't. I should have picked up on that earlier. They blather about how he has this anger problem that causes him to be a jerk to her, and she's like, "Good luck with that," and he's all "I'll keep you posted," and the sexual energy is like so blinding. She mistakenly congratulates him on getting Dartmouth usher, and he replies that he didn't, subtly implying that this is because she slept with Nate a year ago at the Shepherd wedding: "In an ironic -- though not totally unexpected -- twist, Nate got the one I wanted." She apologizes as though this is her fault, because she feels so guilty about things that she will literally apologize to anyone at any time, and he's like, "Well, it is your fault, because you're a legacy." Not even trying to defend herself or her family, because there's zero need for her to do so, she instead tries to give him a little cheerleading: "Just because you're not an usher doesn't mean you're not gonna get into an Ivy!" He's like, "Bullshit, because your parents went to Harvard and Brown." She's all OMG and he's like, "Exactly. My point exactly."

It's not that he's wrong, and I'm not really hating on him that much, but he's being such a dick about it. The entire point of Nate Archibald is that everybody's just as screwed as everybody else, but it takes a grown-up man to actually understand this, and despite what Rufus says, the Humphreys don't really count any of those in their number, or else Dan would understand that what he's saying amounts to, "The only way you can make it right, as a Brown legacy, is to...not go to college at all, and become a homeless street person. Then, and only then, will my father's inability to provide for his family at the level to which he aspires finally be avenged."

Kati and Isabel are hovering over Blair at the Waldorf house, bitching about Serena's cheap shot, and they're totally icing her LEFT leg, which is hilarious and I wish they'd called more attention to it. Chuck calls Blair all breathy and butch about the "field hockey throwdown," the associated "mouthguards and short skirts," which: gross, go to Japan if you're like that, and his hope that somebody filmed it. She indulgently scoffs, all, "You're heinous," and Chuck asks if that isn't why she called him. "Women like to pretend they're complicated; I know better." I cannot wait for that one to bite him in the ass. Of all the wonderful things about this amazing, endangered show, I think Blair's complexity is in the top three, just below everybody's eyebrows. She sends the girls off for a heating pad so she and Chuck can plan the next step in Operation Dumbo Drop. Blair's done guessing about where and why Serena disappeared: she wants answers. "And no one likes to be on the ground floor of a scandal like Chuck Bass." In the limo, Chuck grins smarmily. "I am a bitch when I wanna be," he oozes. They agree to "cause trouble" and "uncover secrets." You go, Gossip Girls!

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Gossip Girl

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