Dan comes in all a-huff because of restricted ownership of the means of production in a capitalist state or some shit, and Rufus is all, "I made dinner that I have to talk about!" and Dan hurls himself down on the bed and Rufus asks him what's wrong and Dan screams "Nate Archibald!" into his pillow, and everybody watching -- I can only assume -- hits pause and shouts, "What's my name, bitch? Say my name!" and makes Dan scream "Nate Archibaaaaaaaaaaaaald!" into his pillow six or seven times, because with Dan around you have to make your own fun. Just don't let him find out or he'll start quoting Das Kapital at you, in his Diesel t-shirt, and anyway finally he tells Rufus to go away. Outside -- as Dan I'm sure continues to shout muffled curses into his IKEA bed linens, getting lipstick all over them -- Rufus is like, "Is it true that you feel encroached upon by the sacrifices your mother and I have made in order to give you these tiny opportunities that your brother keeps squandering?" and Jenny's all, "I am like five seconds away from going Slutsville 3000, so I'm not really a reliable narrator right now."
Chuck watches Serena entering the Ostroff Center, where her brother's in rehab, and snaps lots of pictures, giggling to himself. When he calls Blair, she's dazed on the couch with Nate, who's reading The Petting Zoo. "Mom, how's Paris?" Chuck laughs and suggests that Blair is not going to believe where he found their "little princess."
Later, in Blair's room, Chuck's showing her the pictures and congratulating himself on his scheme-y prowess. "If you weren't such a perv," Blair admits, "I'm sure the CIA would hire you in a second." Chuck laughs. "Defending my country -- there's a future I never imagined." She nods. "With good reason." Because you are a homosexual, Chuck. Catch up. Chuck offers that Serena's at the Ostroff Center for the same reason anybody else would be, describing it as a facility for "the disturbed or addicted." Blair notes that Chuck should have his own wing by now, and he congratulates her wit, asking what her next move will be. "I was thinking total social destruction," she hums, and he laughs. "And here I thought you were getting soft!" He then offers to do her, and she evicts him pleasantly from the room.
Over at the Center, Serena's getting intense about her brother's forced stay. "I've been in these sessions every day for the last week, but nothing is going to change unless she stops hiding him here and lets him have his life back," she says huffily. Lily contests that it's not "hiding," it's "recovery," but Serena asks why, then, is Lily still lying that Eric's in Miami? Lily says it's because Eric's not "ready," but Serena and everybody else knows that it's really Lily that's not ready. The therapist praises them for having an honest conversation -- Serena accuses her mother of being ignorant of the entire concept -- but invites them to include Eric in this conversation that's about, you know, Eric. Eric shows some of that van der Woodsen backbone he'll be dazzling us with later, all, "Like I have a say in this? Wow, thanks." Lily and Serena immediately take the conversation back out of his hands, patting their thighs and whistling at him like Finn and McDreamy all, "Here boy! Come here! Who loves you? Who's a good boy?" Serena gets him to admit that he wants to leave eventually...but Lily gets him to admit that he might actually not be ready...but Serena gets him to admit that it sucks there...but Lily gets him to admit that he's holding the family together better by being all alone in a hospital room, and so on. Serena suggests a compromise: he can escort her to the Ivy Week Mixer. Lily is not feeling it, even though Serena points out that he'll be around people he knows, and, barring some kind of all-out assault by Blair, it should be fun and comfortable. Eric and the therapist lady agree that this sounds awesome, and Lily responds in the mature fashion: by loudly packing up her shit and leaving with haste, to help the school prepare for the Mixer. "As both Parent Committee chair and responsible mother," she adds at one last grab to save face. Her kids watch her leave and make eyebrows at each other; Serena's overjoyed, because she has no friends.