Dan dicked Nate over to join Hamish Bowles in serving the UES over at VF and is now sleeping with people for a place to stay because he is disgusting, while speaking of disgusting, Ivy and Rufus have become a rat king of two over in DUMBO. Georgina found out about Serena's sex tape with Dan, which set her little Serena-Sex-Taping-loving mind a-twerk. Blair threw Dan over for Chuck, because she needs a goal at the end of the line and its name -- rather than "individuation," "self-esteem" or "dignity" -- will always be "Chuck." Oh, and a boxer named Dave once drove Bart Bass to meet a person named Lady Alexander who is probably Chuck's mom because everybody on this show is Chuck's mom.
GG: "...You know what they say, If you can't take the heat, then move to Hell's Kitchen!"
Do they, though?
Nate, painfully and preciously sounding out each gleaming syllable, reads the profile Dan wrote about him for Vanity Fair -- aka the thing that Nate just missed printing about himself, if you can follow that logic -- and lies back in the arms of his child lover.
Nate: "Nate Archibald has the opposite of the Midas touch. Instead of everything he touches turning to gold, he turns all the gold he's been given to dust. Yep, that's some classic Dan writing. If only I could have printed this poorly written takedown in the magazine to which it alludes!"
Sage, verbatim: "Your friend's poor, right? I mean he's probably just jealous."
Out of the mouths of rough-looking babes. You just described Dan -- really, this entire show -- in one sentence. "You know who's right about the self-absorbed rich? Poor people. You know who can additionally go fuck themselves though?" That kind of math is how you get Republicans. But she's not done laying down truths:
Sage, verbatim: "You look really hot in the picture, who cares what it says?"
Nate, verbatim: "He saying that I'm singlehandedly destroying The Spectator."
Sage: "How can you tell?"
Nate: "Because of words. He's actually saying that, I didn't like infer it. I mean, the metaphor was a tricky moment, but I stuck the landing."
Once again, The Spectator is in serious financial trouble -- due to its lack of a business plan or business model or being an actual, quantifiable thing -- and Nate is going to have to go to the bank to talk to a banker about banking.