Georgina: "Phillip, get in here and bring some popcorn and an afghan because Momma is very excited. I haven't seen a sex tape of Serena's since that time we had a threesome and killed a guy, and I plan to masturbate myself to exhaustion."

WALDORF

Blair: "Oh my God, Humphrey. Why the fuck are you in my house?"
Dan: "I realized I don't want to sleep with any more sad young literary girls, which made me feel good. But then I realized I wouldn't have any women to mistreat, and that made me sad. And now I am here."
Blair: "Well, you can have Serena's room. That'll fuckin' show her. Hope you don't mind sharing a bathroom."

NEXT WEEK

Oh, who cares. This season's been pretty fun so far, I'm not hating exactly, but honestly at this point who knows what's going on. Next episode is the halfway point, so it'll probably be pretty plotty, which in the last three seasons has become the new measure of excellence -- how much shit goes down in a given episode -- so by that standard it'll rock regardless. And then overall, you're looking at what, six episodes to get Blair and Dan back together so they can break up and finally get Dan and Serena back together and Blair and Chuck married in the finale. Not exactly differential equations, that math.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, his novel The Urges, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this month on Tor.com.