Idea: The only thing I love as much as Nate Archibald or Hamish Bowles, but in real life, is Gwyneth Paltrow, and the only thing I love as much as GOOP does not exist. My suggestion, then, is that Nate convert The Spectator to a lifestyle newsletter. Best places to buy hash, best way to scam free penthouse apartments for a just few downlow handjobs a month, the best places to pick up old withered ladies, the best gifts to bring your dad in prison besides a sock in the mouth.

I recently picked up Poppy Lifton's book Crimes Vs. Fashion, and was inspired by her journey from Page Six "It" girl to convicted Ponzi schemer and Bible-fund robber to fashion and health guru. After spending several years in a supermax women's prison learning makeup tips and macrobiotic cooking from a centuries-old Tibetan monk, Poppy has returned to the Upper East Side older, wiser, and I think much stronger. I was so inspired by her fictional plan to build satellites in Africa for some unexplained reason that I actually just handed my iPhone to a child last week outside a Broadway opening. I didn't immediately recognize the kid in question as Jaden Smith, but...

NOOP. Think about it.

Nate: "But listen, old people don't read Gossip Girl. You should do what Bart blatantly told me to tell you to do, and publish your poison pen bullshit on my reputable fanzine or catalog or app."
Ivy: "I thought young people don't read Gossip Girl. Who the hell reads Gossip Girl?"

HORSES HORSES HORSES

Lily, verbatim: "...But why would you insist on keeping your attendance at an equestrian event a secret?"

The new lie is that Chuck is thinking of buying this horse farm, and he doesn't want Bart to know he's doing it until he's sure about the deal. Lily is ever so proud of this plan.

Lily: "I know the place quite well. I actually put my horses there when we first moved back out east. And... I mean, I could show you around? I promise, not a word of this to your father."