Dan's graduated to Actual Whore, sleeping with random fans to combat his homelessness. Georgina's troubled by the effect of this gross (but oh so Dan) behavior on his rep, and decides to set up a Tom Cruise-style audition line for appropriate girlfriends. That's right. Dan's on the hunt for a beard. Which, looking back, is kind of the story of this show. (Not to mention the nonstop Serena abuse, which has always been a hallmark as well.) Anyway, he ends up taking over Serena's room in Blair's house -- while meanwhile, Serena finally deletes their sex tape... After Georgina's already stolen a secret copy.
Serena and Steven decide to make sexual histories for each other, I guess for lack of anything to fight about now that Sage is acting decent. S gets some hilarious one-liners in about her own horrible decisions, but the bomb that's eventually dropped is something Steven doesn't even remember: He hooked up with Lily at a wedding, several decades before any of us were born.
Which comes out on the Spectator, after one of those patented conversations where somebody (Bart Bass in this case) tells Nate to do a bunch of stupid things, and then he does all the stupid things he was just told to do. Long story short every gets mad at everybody else, and there are horses, and then everything is fine again and all the couples get back together.
In addition to once again indirectly causing Blair to ignore her own interests and focus on the much more boring ones of her lover, Bart secretly has a (controlling?) interest in Nate's "business" now, thanks to the aforementioned stupid activities, and Ivy's latest nonsensical plan to cause nefarious trouble of a random sort somehow involves itself as well, when she tips off Gossip Girl about the time that Rufus fucked Lily the night before she married Bart the first time. Which is such hoary aged news that pretty much the entire show just shrugs about it. Even when Ivy is like, "Remember how you guys have a secret baby?" Rufus is all, "I don't want to think about the past!" Then they kiss and it is so, so gross.
Bart lays down an ultimatum that Lily can't be around Chuck anymore, since he keeps telling her true shit that makes Bart look awful because Bart is awful. Lily tells him to shove it, but I assume the next thing that happens is he buys her something, because Lily is also awful. Meanwhile, Chuck figures out that Bart faked his death to -- and if you're even still with us after how exciting all that was, here's the thrilling kicker that will surely send you over the edge -- avoid federal indictment for violating the Sudanese oil embargo.
Next Week: It's just a straight hour, presented with minimal commercial interruption, of a PowerPoint presentation regarding the precedents and international historical record that led to the Executive Order (#13067) which brought the trade embargo and asset freeze against Sudan in November of 1997. Narrated by Ben Stein wearing a Bane mask.
Dan dicked Nate over to join Hamish Bowles in serving the UES over at VF and is now sleeping with people for a place to stay because he is disgusting, while speaking of disgusting, Ivy and Rufus have become a rat king of two over in DUMBO. Georgina found out about Serena's sex tape with Dan, which set her little Serena-Sex-Taping-loving mind a-twerk. Blair threw Dan over for Chuck, because she needs a goal at the end of the line and its name -- rather than "individuation," "self-esteem" or "dignity" -- will always be "Chuck." Oh, and a boxer named Dave once drove Bart Bass to meet a person named Lady Alexander who is probably Chuck's mom because everybody on this show is Chuck's mom.
GG: "...You know what they say, If you can't take the heat, then move to Hell's Kitchen!"
Do they, though?
Nate, painfully and preciously sounding out each gleaming syllable, reads the profile Dan wrote about him for Vanity Fair -- aka the thing that Nate just missed printing about himself, if you can follow that logic -- and lies back in the arms of his child lover.
Nate: "Nate Archibald has the opposite of the Midas touch. Instead of everything he touches turning to gold, he turns all the gold he's been given to dust. Yep, that's some classic Dan writing. If only I could have printed this poorly written takedown in the magazine to which it alludes!"
Sage, verbatim: "Your friend's poor, right? I mean he's probably just jealous."
Out of the mouths of rough-looking babes. You just described Dan -- really, this entire show -- in one sentence. "You know who's right about the self-absorbed rich? Poor people. You know who can additionally go fuck themselves though?" That kind of math is how you get Republicans. But she's not done laying down truths:
Sage, verbatim: "You look really hot in the picture, who cares what it says?"
Nate, verbatim: "He saying that I'm singlehandedly destroying The Spectator."
Sage: "How can you tell?"
Nate: "Because of words. He's actually saying that, I didn't like infer it. I mean, the metaphor was a tricky moment, but I stuck the landing."
Once again, The Spectator is in serious financial trouble -- due to its lack of a business plan or business model or being an actual, quantifiable thing -- and Nate is going to have to go to the bank to talk to a banker about banking.