Sage, realistically: "Can I go? To the bank?"
Nate: "No, you have to have brunch with Serena so she'll keep letting us date."
THE CITY SOMEWHERE
Georgina: "Blah blah Huffpo blah blah Dwight Garner blah blah even Gossip Girl plugged it, which makes no sense at all."
Dan, for real he says this: "Are they talking about how the use of real names makes this my In Cold Blood? I mean, do they like the writing? Are they making any comparisons to historical literary figures?"
Georgina, trust: "Perez Hilton."
In case you were wondering whether the show was playing it cagey about the absolute shittiness of Dan Humphrey.
Dan: "Well, in any case I have been fucking a lot of dumb girls. And being homeless."
Georgina: "You need to fuck a higher class of idiot. So I'm suddenly Blair and also your procurer in this episode, because I stopped making sense two seasons ago."
"From now on, you're only going to be seen with girls who have Ivy League pedigrees. Or at the very least, Vassar. She needs to have cover girl looks and at least three mentions in Page Six in the last six months... I've already set up the interviews."
Well, I suppose he did always treat Serena like a beard. At least in the way that Nice Guys always do, because Nice Guys can't keep their shit on their side of the line and just explode it onto you and then get pissed when you don't act like their Imaginary You. (A situation which can lead to having your memory wiped and getting raped by Frodo, in the worst case scenario.) This really wouldn't be any different from any relationship he's ever had -- except with Blair, to be fair -- in that he doesn't actually give a shit about the girls he dates because he doesn't think that women are actually people. Good sleuthin', G. This should work.
Steven: "This is the guy my daughter's dating? Oy."
Serena: "I haven't read that article. One, because I hate Dan Humphrey. Two, because I have trouble with the written word."
Steven: "Let me summarize. Last girlfriend was a madam. Before that, he dated con artists -- with an s because that's how you show a plural -- and then also he was a prostitute through most of high school and does gay stuff with at least two other dudes on this show. And also you, which is like that whole thing of you're sleeping with everybody they slept with and that's why there's no footprints on the beach or whatever."