Gossip Girl
Portrait Of A Lady Alexander

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Spread Like A Sailor

Bart: "Okay, fine. I'll have him murdered."

BRIAN BATT

Blair: "You certainly are an attractive man. I wonder if you're talented. It's so often that in the New York circle-jerk art world, that is the case."
Brian Batt: "Lady Alexander is a horse. This is so stupid."

No joke, girl. But at least Gossip Girl's leaning into it, with all the characteristically incomprehensible nonsense she can bring.

GG: "A horse by any other name is still a horse. And Chuck and Blair can't seem to buy a clue!"

Anyway, I am not going to insult either of us by paying any attention to this shit. Remember how Sage mentioned a horse show? Well, same deal here. Chuck and Blair are going to go to the horse show, to find out what happened to Lady Alexander and why Bart had her portrait painted and why he bought a lot of expensive horses from this Sheik Hassan guy. (If you're paying attention at all, you will have already figured out why somebody like Bart Bass would buy a bunch of expensive horses from a Sheik, but whatever. Blair hasn't been paying attention to jack shit since like Season Two.) This part was delightful:

Chuck: "What else does it say?"
Blair: "Well, not much, except she was just under $1 million."
Chuck: "Is that a lot of money?"
Blair: "For regular people, yes."

Then Chuck shits all over it with a, "Guess we're back in the saddle!"

THE BACHELOR

Georgina runs Dan's hos through a speed-dating scenario, into the grody maelstrom of which Dan has, characteristically, invited Serena. I feel like I bag on The Bachelor too much as it is, and I haven't really ever sat through an episode, but it just seems like prostitution to me. I mean, wealth is fine when it's a sign of drive, making it an attractive feature, but when it's your first requirement? That's the opposite.

"I'd really like a hot, rich husband that no women have thus far deemed acceptable" seems like an open admission that you're the kind of person -- like a contestant on American Idol who simply can't understand why "they," this mysterious "they" who go around rewarding people for their talent without regard to hard work of any kind, "they" haven't just handed you a record contract already, already the worst sort of person in my opinion -- who either A) wants to get abused or B) doesn't have any female friends, which in the latter case is also code for You Are A Monster. Either way, we now know a lot about you and none of it says Powerful Woman. At best what it says is Hot & Crazy.

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Gossip Girl

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