Dan decides retroactively the following bullshit things, but impressively compounds their bullshit by saying them aloud: He only helped Blair for Serena, because she wanted it, because he doesn't care about Blair, because this is all meaningless anyway. All of which is untrue, and all of which he knows, but the thing is that Blair would kill for Serena, and he's been that way for Vanessa for a long time, and caught between three loyalties this is the only way he can rationalize any of it: by voiding whatever he did for Blair and why. "It's all a game to her!" Serena shakes her head; she was sure this time he got it. He did! "No, in this case, it's not. Blair loves Chuck. She's just been too scared to admit it."

Serena's been trying for weeks, we watched her doing it: Smiling and joking and saying his name and saying it over and over and over: "He's my brother. You're my sister. You are two beasts that terrify the city, and I am the only girl -- the only person -- in the world who can tame you both. If you can admit your love of him to anyone, you can tell me, because I know. Because I love him the same way I love you, which is: Carefully." When we talk about Serena's mysterious Thing that she Has, and her power over mortals, half of that's because we're not paying attention. She's been pushing them both back toward the center since last season, so tenderly and carefully and delicately they wouldn't even notice it, and so lovingly it never hurt or startled them, because she cannot stand to see anything in pain; she might not actually give a fuck, but there's still no reason to be anything less than happy, ever. This is how you become Queen.

Serena widened the circle for Blair with every conversation, attacking it less and less obliquely, but she knew that Blair's pride wouldn't let her admit the final words, so she called in Dan for the last session. And he did it, and so beautifully! Just like with Nate, bringing him out of his hole and giving him a home. And now? "I told her to talk to you because I genuinely thought that you would help her be brave." There it is: bald and bold and real enough that even Literal Humphrey gets it. She wanted him to give Blair what he gives Serena, and he did -- and then he took it away. She runs off, and he feels terrible.

Max's rape pad is chock full of artsy photos of feral young party girls, and full of the constant fucking irritating flash of the unending snap-snap-snap. Jenny admires the pictures and Agnes reminds her that soon, it'll be shots of Jenny and her clothes up there. Then Agnes climbs onto his lap and they start making out. Which is like... You have nights like this where it's really hard to figure out whether Everything is okay or Everything just turned into a Lifetime Original Movie, you know? Like is this where I get pulled into some kind of fucked up thing I'm not ready for, or is this normal and I'm the weird one? You can't just ask, like, "Are you guys about to roofie me or make me do a threesome? Because I am a virgin and a teetotaler," because then you automatically are the weird one, so the only option -- and it is always an option, and you best listen to your instincts and exercise that motherfucker -- is to take your graceful leave.